What is and what is not kindness? This could be a big shift as we look at how Jesus treated people and how we should respond with choosing the spirit instead of the flesh as we interact with others.
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Transcription:
Welcome to The Bonfire today, and we are talking about the Holy Spirit. What a great topic to talk about God, to grow deeper in our relationship with God. And The Bonfire is a place where the embers come together and the flame grows. And God is light. God is love. God is a consuming fire. The Bonfire is a place where we can be authentic and sometimes talk about topics that we just don’t talk about during the week, especially with our faith. And when you think about the Holy Spirit, so many different aspects we can cover. Today, the kindness of the Holy Spirit.
There’s the fruit of the spirit, which is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. That’s what happens when you’re filled with the spirit. And I want to emphasize this is a relationship, not an it, but he, relationship with the Holy Spirit because when you put your trust in Jesus, the Holy Spirit dwells in you. Your body is literally a temple. That means God’s presence is in you in incredible, special, intimate, powerful way. And in this relationship, as you’re close, as you’re filled with the spirit, there’s going to be the fruit. If you chase after the fruit, you might not experience the fruit, but when you have the fullness of the spirit, the fruit flows from your life.
This is more relational than a principle. Yes, there’s principles. Principles are helpful, they’re part of our faith, but ultimately, this is a relationship. There’s a relational dynamic and it’s part of that listening and trust and closeness and reliance. All of those are aspects of this full relationship with the Holy Spirit. That’s what we want. And you can see the fruit. Jesus said you’re going to be able to just look at people and know what kind of fruit is coming from their lives. And you can’t have good fruit from a bad tree. You can’t have bad fruit from a good tree. It always comes down to abiding the soil, the roots, the depths we have with God. You can’t fake that. You can’t purchase it and there’s no substitute for it in our lives. The deeper you go with Jesus, the deeper you’re going to bring the love, the deeper you’re going to bring the grace and the kindness, and that’s the depth we’re looking for.
Now, first of all, as we start, I want to make it real clear what we’re not talking about today because sometimes when people hear the word kindness, they think it’s wimpy, right? This is not a wimpy kindness. This is a kindness that includes truth, the kindness that doesn’t include truth, it’s like a false humility, a false kindness. Love and truth always go together. Truth is an important part of love. Truth is an important part of kindness. Don’t, when you hear the word kindness, think, “Oh, now I can’t be honest. Now I can’t be truthful. Now I can’t be authentic.” We’ve got to have the truth. When we talk about kindness.
Also, kindness, it means that sometimes you need space from certain people. There are people that are not safe. There are people that are abusive, that are mean. And it’s wise, the Bible says, if there’s a hot-tempered person, to step back in that relationship. Still love them, still pray for them, but depending on how dangerous the person is, you might need additional space. You can be kind from a distance and that’s a good place to be.
Also, kindness doesn’t enable people. Kindness is not to remove consequences. Some people are going to need to experience the consequences of bad decisions, and it doesn’t mean that you’re constantly there bailing them out, rescuing them. If someone keeps going back to alcohol and an addiction, it doesn’t mean that you keep paying for whatever the jail costs are and you keep, every single time, buffering them from those consequences. They might need some consequences to turn around, to repent, to shift, and to walk in sobriety.
Also, kindness includes accountability. That’s very important. We all need accountability. All of us, if we’re left on our own and there’s isolation, we’re going to sneak some things, we’re going to make some bad decisions. But when you have people around you that are speaking into your life, seeing what you do, when you have transparency, when people can check your phone, you know there’s accountability, that’s a gift from God. It helps you keep walking forward in the right direction.
Here’s some of the situations where kindness is essential, and again, it’s relationships. These are situations you’re going to be in where you need to choose kindness. Kindness is a choice. You honor God when you’re kind you respect other people when you’re kind. One of those situations is when you’re serving. Everyone says yes to serving until they’re actually serving. That doesn’t feel so good. I love the concept of serving until I started serving and realized sometimes people take you for granted. Sometimes you’re unappreciated. Sometimes it’s hard work and it’s sacrifice. It’s hard to stay kind when you’re really serving and sacrificing and you’re giving your all for other people. Don’t shift into selfishness. Just remember serving’s good. Jesus didn’t come to be served, but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many. When you’re serving, it’s going to be important you intentionally choose kindness.
Here’s another situation, when you’re disappointed. When someone lets you down, when you think the results are going to go a certain way, it’s easy to feel frustrated and then take it out on someone and instead of a kind comment, you make a mean comment. You say something that you later regret. When you’re frustrated, disappointed in those moments or feeling angry in those moments, you might need to hold your tongue, not speak. You might need to wait, say a prayer. You might need to make a shift, think of a Bible verse, second thought and go there in your mind because frustrated moments can lead to conversations that make it worse, and you want to de-escalate when you’re frustrated.
When you bring kindness, you’re going to stand out. People are going to respect you and they’re going to go a little further in the conversation. They’re going to want to talk about more things. They’re going to go a little further in the friendship. They’re going to open up a little more. When you’re not kind, people aren’t going to open up. We want to have open and honest relationships, and kindness is an invitation. It’s a bridge to say this is safe. Let’s go there. And even if we disagree, let’s put it on the table.
We need in our country right now to learn how to disagree and still have kindness. Instead, there’s disagree and mean, disagree and a put down, disagree and divisiveness. You can disagree with someone and still love them. In our family, we have, especially extended family, a lot of different perspectives about life and faith and we’re talking about different topics. We know pretty early on we disagree on this one, but because it’s safe and there’s kindness and respect, we can keep talking about it and you’re going to know in conversations when other people are kind. And the more kindness you have, the more you can walk through and navigate the most difficult topics. Kindness is so important in relationships and it’s so important with unity.
Well, there’s a lot of other situations with kindness, and what I want to encourage you is to really start at home. Those are the people who know you the best, you spend the most time with. It could be a roommate, could be family. Start with the people that you’re closest with, those friendships, and choose kindness. Why do I say that? You might think that’s obvious. Of course we’re going to be kind to people we love. Sometimes the people who know you the best and you spend the most time with, you actually are less kind than you are to strangers. And really, they see you at your worst and you lash out. There’s a false sense of, well, they know me, so I’m just going to say this. And I’ll tell you, there can be negative patterns. There can be destructive patterns. And in these negative cycles, so often it’s when people stop choosing kindness.
You probably have seen it in families where at one point they were united and then what happens? It’s that combination of some disappointment, some misunderstanding, some unspoken expectations. And then, out of that emotion, it leads to words because words come from the heart and what’s going on in the heart won’t stay in the heart. It’ll come out. And as it comes out, if the heart isn’t right, the words aren’t going to be right, and destructive words can do a lot of damage. And once those words are spoken, it’s hard to come back and be kind and unite.
So choose kindness early. Be consistent with your kindness. The situations are going to change. There’s going to be seasons where money is tight. There’s going to be seasons where you’re not liking your job as much, where you’ve got a health challenge. There’s going to be seasons where you’re wrestling in your relationship with God. You might have some doubts. All these different things, these moving pieces in life, don’t let those steal the kindness that you’re going to be committed to, bringing that kindness in your comments, in your words, and that’s going to be so important. Your character’s revealed through those moments, in that testing, in the kindness. People are watching. They’re going to see Jesus through your kindness.
Everyone knows some people who might even be right, they might even speak truth, but they’ve got no kindness. And ultimately, they create an island in a little echo chamber because they don’t know how to bridge. They don’t know how to have hope and holiness. They don’t know how to connect with people who are in a very different place. And as you bring that kindness, people are going to see the kindness of God and they’re going to see that in you and in those moments where it’s not expected, it’s not typical, it’s rare, it’s not common, you’re frustrated, you’re disappointed. Those are the times to commit to double down on kindness and to bring it in a refreshing way.
Now, I was thinking through lots of different situations, but one of them is conflict resolution. And as you go through conflict, stay committed to kindness because what happens? People become mean. They sometimes get physical or abusive and you see sides of people that you didn’t expect. And sometimes you see it when they’re frustrated in sports or you see it when they’re frustrated when they’re driving. You see it in they’re frustrated in certain settings. And from a distance you’re like, why are you getting so worked up? I didn’t know you responded that way.
But have you seen someone really get pushed far beyond where they want to be and they catch themselves and then they choose kindness? Don’t you have respect when people have that kind of self-control, the fruit of the spirit of self-control. The Holy Spirit is going to help you. As you’re hearing these different situations, you might be thinking, “There’s no way I can do that alone. That’s just not me.” It isn’t you alone, but it is you with the Holy Spirit because ultimately, the Holy Spirit brings out the best in us and really shines God’s goodness through us. And yes, this is a source that goes beyond ourselves.
If you’re not walking with the spirit and step with the spirit, trusting the spirit, listening to the Holy Spirit, you’re not going to have that consistent kindness. But when you are abiding, there’s a kindness. And you look back and say, “How did that happen? What just happened? I don’t usually respond that way. That’s a new response for me. I’m growing. I just brought kindness when I typically don’t. What is happening?” You’re growing in your faith. You’re growing in your walk with God and in the relationship with the Holy Spirit.
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I want to go deeper right now and look underneath the reaction. We’ve been talking about reacting kindly in different situations. We’re not easy to do that. But what’s really going under underneath it? And there is a battle within us between what the Bible says, “The flesh and the spirit.” In Romans 7, Paul says, “The things I want to do, I don’t do them. The things I know are wrong, I still do them. What is going on?” And he talks about this wretchedness and this war inside of him. We all can relate to that. And it’s a choice between the spirit and the flesh. You’re going to have these choices every day. Am I going to go with the Holy Spirit or am I going to go with the flesh on this one?
And the flesh, envy, jealousy, strife, there’s going to be harsh responses with the flesh, selfishness, impurity, all those responses, they all come from the flesh. You don’t have to choose the flesh. The Bible says, “We die to sin.” We kill that sin nature. We again, mortify. We’re going to be killing not just allowing finding middle ground, we’re going to be destroying. We don’t want any part of what’s coming from the flesh. And instead, you choose the spirit and what’s really happening as you make that choice. The basis for how you treat people and how you choose to respond is now Jesus. It’s not the other person.
The basis is not the situation. I don’t like the situation, so I’m going to be mean. No. I don’t like the situation, but I’m going to choose to be kind. Or the results. I didn’t get the results I wanted, I’m going to choose to be kind. Because you’re on a different track. You have a different motivation. There’s a different basis. There’s a different foundation. Because Jesus treats you with kindness, you’re going to choose kindness. Receive, freely you receive, freely you give it. And in those relationships, at the core level, that shift is gold. That shift from the situation, the other person, the results to I’m going to respond based on abiding with my Savior.
When you make that shift, there’s a lot of freedom because now you’re not trapped. You’re not just in reactive mode, you’re proactive. You’re taking initiative. You’re going to start to see people who are hurting. You’re going to start to see people who are in need. You’re going to start to be walking with the Holy Spirit and you’re going to sense, say something to that person that’s a timely word, a word they need, encouraging, inspiring, and you’re going to say those things or you’re going to listen well. This person needs a friend right now and you’re going to show up and just listen and care. When you have kindness, you lead with understanding. You make it your goal to just get in the other person’s shoes and be there for the other person and hear what’s going on and then ask them questions to draw them out and go deeper. That’s what kindness does.
So what does kindness look like? It looks like listening. It looks like understanding. It looks like patience and time and asking questions. Who’s doing that in the world today? Who are the people in your life that are kind to you? Have you told them recently how much you appreciate them? It’d be a really good thing to affirm with gratitude, thank them for their kindness.
If you look at marriages that go the distance that have been for decades healthy, what are you going to find? You’re going to find kindness. Sometimes in marriage, we get distracted by 20 other things and you come back to the core. And what’s at the core? It’s kindness, friendships, kindness. When someone stops being kind to you, how long is that friendship going to last? Are they going to stay your best friend? Probably not that long. At the core, it’s kindness.
The kindness of God leads us to repentance. That’s what the Bible says. What does that mean? Because God treats us better than we deserve because God is consistent, because God is gracious. God is forgiving. God is kind. Because of those things, we want to be close to God. We want to respond to God. We want to honor God. We want to turn from sin. We want to trust God. God’s kindness is like an invitation. He draws us with kindness. It’s the character of God. We wouldn’t worship God if he wasn’t kind. Kindness changes relationships, and I encourage you today to receive the kindness of God.
Have you started a relationship with Jesus? Think about the cross. There’s never been an act with more kindness and sacrifice and love than on the cross. Jesus, in the ultimate display of kindness, didn’t talk about kindness, demonstrated it to literally take the wrath of God, to take our sin, to become sin, and then to give us his righteousness, his peace, to give us his grace, which is greater than our sin. That’s the ultimate exchange of kindness.
As you are kind in your relationships, you’re going to choose to give more than you take. You’re going to choose to listen more than you talk. You’re going to choose to forgive. Forgiveness is a demonstration of kindness. When you forgive other people, it doesn’t mean that they even apologize. You choose to forgive. It doesn’t mean that what they did was right, it wasn’t, but you choose to forgive. It doesn’t mean that they fully understand the impact of what they’ve done. They won’t, but you choose to forgive.
I want you to think back over your life. When have people brought kindness to you? I’ll never forget being sick in Africa, the doctor saying I need to fly home. I would be fighting for my life for a year. And as the doctors said, “You got to get on a flight,” I’ll never forget the couple that just stayed with me, and they were there for those two days. And they just took care of me and I didn’t really know them that well. And I kept thinking, “Why are they so kind?” It was because Jesus, Jesus was at work in their lives.
When someone’s abiding with Jesus, there’s going to be kindness that just makes you wonder. And for a world that’s looking at Christians, they might not be reading the Bible, but they’re reading Christians, they’re really looking for kindness. Their antenna is up. And when there’s kindness, it stands out. It gets their attention. They want to know more. Why are you doing it? Have you had people ask you, why are you doing this? Why are you giving me this free meal? Why are you giving me these gifts? Why are you… and you fill in the blank.
You probably have some ways that you enjoy bringing that kindness. It could be through acts of service, gifts, time. Could be through communicating, conversations. In those settings, as you bring kindness, there’s going to be some people who are just wondering, “Why are you like this?” And they might not say it out loud, but they’re wondering.
Sometimes I’ve had opportunities while I’m playing soccer and I get kicked, literally, someone tripped me, kicked me, it’s dirty play, and I just brought kindness. It was that simple. And later, that person asked me, and they just said, “Okay,” because they knew I was a Christian, “Where do you go to church? I want to go.” And literally, they came to church. They brought their family. It was baptism. They came to know Jesus. It started, I won’t forget, it started on the soccer field where the guy took a cheap shot and I just was nice, just kind. Didn’t lash out, didn’t kick back, didn’t yell, didn’t swear, didn’t go after him, didn’t point my finger, didn’t get into his face, and he saw that and it had an impact on his life. Glory to God, apart from God, I wouldn’t respond that way. That’s just not me. And really, I had to take a moment where I didn’t say anything. Just silence.
Silence is good. When you’re not feeling kind, silent. Why? Because the flesh gets ahead of the spirit. And when you don’t say anything, because why? You’re in the flesh. You got to wait and be in the spirit. When you’re in the spirit, now you can talk, but don’t say anything because the flesh is ahead of the spirit. You got to wait the spirit, it’s going to catch up. The flesh is going to diminish. Now you talk. That’s a key decision when it comes to kindness.
If you’re a parent, you know kindness is a struggle. Kids just know how to push buttons. You’re with kids all the time. Kids are going to do things that are frustrating, disappointing. That kindness is going to come as you rely on God. This is an area of our lives where we really need to rely on God. You’re in the middle of conflict, could be at home, could be in marriage, could be you’re dating someone, choosing kindness. That’s the path of Christ. Jesus said, “I’m the way, the truth and the life, and part of that way, it’s a way of kindness.” And it flips the world upside down. It’s love that stands out.
In the early church, as you read through the book of Acts, one thing that’s so obvious is the kindness. Why? They’re filled with the spirit. And because they’re filled with the spirit, they’re kind to each other. Because they’re kind to each other, they’re willing to die for each other. They’re willing to provide for each other. If they have some extra, they give it. They make sure everyone has their needs met, everyone has food. They’re looking out for each other and they stand out in that culture. Churches can stand out when there’s unity and love. People are going to see Jesus. When you bring kindness to people of all generations, that stands out. That’s beautiful. That’s a picture of heaven. It’s a picture of the love of God. When you have people coming together, and I’m so grateful for our church, different ages, different cultures, different nations, different ethnicities, and you unite together, it takes kindness to have unity. And when you unite together in kindness, it stands out.
People who are in the world during the day, sometimes it’s cutthroat, sometimes people lie. There’s cheap shots, there’s deception. You just look around at the news. There’s violence, there’s hatred, there’s strife, there’s divisiveness. People are looking for a community of kindness. And kindness goes beyond just one-on-one. There’s a culture of kindness. In a church where the Holy Spirit is truly leading and the Holy Spirit is guiding people, then there’s a culture of kindness, generosity. How can I help you? Can I bring you a meal if you just had a surgery, a procedure? Is there some work that needs to be done? Is there someone who’s elderly that can’t do their yard work? Is there someone who has a young child and they just need to go on a date so we’re going to babysit? Is there someone who doesn’t have money at Christmastime? I love how there’s gifts sent overseas and also there’s gifts to people in our community who are in need. And this is done at our church for God’s glory.
But I watch how people, they get excited to do this. Even sponsoring kids in Cambodia, they get excited to do this. And all these different expressions of kindness. It’s going to be creative. It’s going to be fun. There’s going to be some stuff that you plan, and there’s some things that are not planned, spontaneous, during the day.
You just are driving by someone and they’re sitting there on the side of the road and they have a sign up and they’re looking for food. And you’re going to say, “Let’s walk over to this restaurant and let me buy you lunch.” And they’re going to say yes. You do that and they’re surprised you care. They’re surprised you want to spend time with them. It’s more than just, here’s a little money. But you want to sit down with them and then you want to know their story. And they’re just going to be looking at you like, why are you doing this? Who does this? And inside you might know that, yes, it’s the kindness coming from the Holy Spirit. You don’t have to say that. They’re going to pick up on that. And ultimately, maybe they will ask you why you’re doing it and then you share your story. You share about the kindness of God and how it changed your life.
When I was in a place where I had success on the outside, but I had an emptiness on the inside, and that emptiness, I just tore people down with my words a lot. And when the kindness of God started to take over, with the Holy Spirit, the picture is like a home and different areas of your life and opening up that door in that room and saying, “Come in, Holy Spirit, take over Holy Spirit.” And as God’s work in my life and His grace made a difference in my life, it changed the way I talked to people. And I stopped tearing people down the same way. And my friends said, “What’s going on?” And I was words of encouragement, words that build people up. And you might be in a friend group where that’s not typical. Well, keep bringing it. You don’t need to wait until all your friends bring it, keep bringing it. And eventually, things start to change, or sometimes you need to change the people you’re hanging out with and you have close friendships with.
But I’ve seen the culture change in my sports teams in the locker room when some people start bringing kindness, especially to the leaders, the captains. Or maybe you don’t have that kind of a role. You’re not even a starter, but you’re there serving everyone. And people notice. They respect that. On a great team, they’re going to appreciate the manager. They’re going to appreciate the people who take stats. They’re going to appreciate the people who are filling up water bottles. They’re going to appreciate those people. Why? Because there’s kindness. They’re being served and serving. In marriage, you want to out-serve one another, the kindness to each other.
If you always measure, you wait till other people are kind first, again, that’s reactive. Today we’ve been talking about proactive. Choose the Holy Spirit over the flesh. Make the basis of your relationships your relationship with Jesus. Make the basis of your relationships how God treats you. And then you bring that with consistency. God’s going to give you wisdom, who to be best friends with, who to spend the most time with. But overall, be catalytic. Be someone who initiates. Be someone who’s intentional and then be someone who’s just ready. Be ready with an encouraging word. Be available. Ask God, ask the Holy Spirit, who can I be kind to today? Maybe it’s a text, maybe it’s a call, maybe it’s an email, maybe it’s a gift. Who can I be kind to today?
And if you’re not feeling any kindness, come back to the Holy Spirit, come back to God in prayer. Say, “God, I’m running out of kindness. I just don’t feel kind. I’ve got these people that are treating me this way and I’m getting frustrated and I realize it’s having a huge impact on me and I want to change.” And you bring that prayer to God and you say, “God, fill me with the spirit. I want to be kind to my spouse. I want to be kind to my best friends. I want to be kind at work.” Even though there’s challenges everywhere, listen, we’re always going to have 99 reasons we can complain. There’s always going to be 99 potential or real problems we’re in the middle of. That’s not going to change. So in the middle of that, we’ve got to go deep with God and the kindness of the Holy Spirit that comes from a real relationship. This is a dynamic that you can’t fake. It’s more than a principle. It’s got to be the abiding and the feeling of the Holy Spirit and the fruit will be kindness.
The next time you’re reading the Bible, look at who’s not kind. Even people who love God. Peter takes out a sword, chops off someone’s ear. It’s definitely not kind. Jesus picks up the ear. There’s people over and over in the Bible who don’t know God and are not kind. Look at Pharaoh and what he’s doing and the cruelty. Even Saul is there. In one minute, he seems kind with David and the next minute he is not. You’ll notice the examples in the Bible that are not kind. Notice what’s driving that.
And then, also, look at the examples in the Bible where there’s kindness and look at what’s driving that. And I’ll tell you, the difference is going to be the Holy Spirit. When you are in step with the Spirit, full of the spirit, kindness flows, and people who aren’t, there’s going to be a lack of kindness. Let’s be people who are kind, not a wimpy kind, kindness that has truth and accountability, kindness that’s real, a kindness that comes from Jesus. And if you don’t know Jesus, put your trust in him and ask God to fill you with the Holy Spirit because when you’re filled with the Holy Spirit, kindness is going to overflow into all of your relationships, to the glory of God, into the good, for the people that you love, and for your own soul as well.
Thanks for listening to The Bonfire today. Again, if you can rate and review, share it with friends, let’s continue to spread the good news. Invite people in telling stories about what God is doing in our lives and celebrating God’s kindness to us.
