Please say it isn’t so! It is the last episode of this series. This episode has a big surprise so make sure you listen so you don’t miss it. After pulling an all nighter to overcome a hard drive crash, Sherri got it done with special guest Lisa Anderson from Focus on the Family. First, the series takes an unexpected turn into caregiving…What if you don’t have kids? Are kids an insurance policy? Answers to that question along with why the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, what a ‘friendlationship’ is and why you are not Julia Roberts. Don’t forget to share this whole series with a single friend, leave a review to tell us what you loved, and we’ll see you next time.
Co-Host: Angelique Struthers
Special thanks to Vision House for sponsoring the Snacks And Good Company Podcast!
Show Notes:
- Kathy Martin Book: God and Psychobabble
- Lisa Anderson Book: The Dating Manifesto: A Drama-Free Plan for Pursuing Marriage with Purpose
- Dani Treweek Book: The Meaning of Singleness: Retrieving an Eschatological Vision for the Contemporary Church
Find Sherri: Online | Instagram | Facebook | Twitter
Transcription:
Lisa Anderson:
Until a ring is on the finger, this other person that you may or may not be going out with, even if it’s a healthy relationship, they are until you are married, a brother or a sister in Christ, okay? That is their position in your life. You’re not assuming anything else. The other thing I always say is make sure that the level of your connection never exceeds the level of your commitment.
Sherri Lynn:
Greetings, friends, and welcome to the last episode of season two, the season finale, so to speak, of Snacks and Good Company, brought to you by Vision House. They do wonderful, wonderful work, and we’re going to talk about them a little later. Cards on the table right now, I had a gorgeous handcrafted episode for you here for the season finale, and I also had a hard drive that crashed. And on that hard drive, believe it or not, was that episode that I beautifully and lovingly made for you. So I don’t know if I panicked. I just, let’s just say I’m still dealing with the fallout of that. And if you’ve ever had your laptop stolen or your desktop crash or anything like that, if you’ve lost intellectual property that you need, you know what I’m going through right now. So anyway, I was like, what am I going to do for season five?
Now, here’s a beautiful thing, is that the surprise I had for you, I was able to salvage. So that’s a blessing and that’s still going to happen. All the other material, gone. So I emailed our good friend Lisa Anderson from Focus on the Family. That email had a lot of capital words in it, capital letters I should say, of just saying, “Help, help, help. Problem, help, help.” And she was so gracious to join us. Lisa was a part of I think practically every episode. And so this feels like a recap.
We talk about, oh man, we talk about so much. We talk about the ministry of Facebook Marketplace. I know, you’re like, “How does that have to do with being single?” Trust me, it works. We talk about hard single moments in this first segment, we talk about something that a lot of you emailed about, and I’m in this scenario too, in this situation, is when you are single and you are taking care of an elderly parent. We talk a lot about that because Lisa was in that scenario as well. So we have that and a lot more. It’s just a great segment, and thank you so much to Lisa Anderson for saving this episode and quite frankly, saving my life. Thank you, Lisa. We start the segment off with just commiserating about my situation, and she actually had a similar situation happen to her.
Did you ever have those moments where you’re like, I don’t know if I’m walking in face or if I’m delusional? Like I’m not freaking out, so is this a fruit of the spirit that I’m experiencing? Or am I on the verge of a nervous breakdown and it’s just the calm before the storm? I don’t know which one it is.
Lisa Anderson:
Sometimes it’s a both and.
Sherri Lynn:
Okay.
Lisa Anderson:
I had even reading your email and I just had this flashback to college when I typed out a 12-page paper on my friend’s word processor, which was amazing technology at the time.
Sherri Lynn:
It was, I remember.
Lisa Anderson:
And then I remember her telling me, because I wanted to use it, she’s like, okay, “It’s cool. It’s just that for some reason my save mechanism isn’t working, so you got to make sure you just keep it,” or the battery in… So I had to keep it plugged in. And I did until I got to page 12, and then I accidentally leaned back and kicked out the plug and lost the whole thing. So I actually had a revisit of that when I read your email. So I feel you, I’m there.
Sherri Lynn:
Yes. The funny thing is I said to myself maybe two days ahead of time, isn’t this how it goes? I said to myself, “What would happen if this crashed? I should probably back this up.” And then I thought, “Yeah, I will back it up at some point.” So when it did crash, it was almost like, “Okay, you did think that that was going to happen and it did.” And so then you automatically start going into, well I do, plan C, D, E, F, G, H, I. And I don’t know if that’s trauma related or whatever, but that’s when I have to trust the Holy Spirit and stop. Because I will do 50 things, none of which are going to help, but just gives me some sort of comfort that I’m doing something, none of which is helping the actual problem. I first have to still myself. And if I still myself, then I can allow myself to hear from the Holy Spirit. So I don’t know what I’m experiencing right now.
You know when else I experienced this? You took care of your mother, right? In her later years-
Lisa Anderson:
Oh yeah.
Sherri Lynn:
When traumatic things would happen with her, what was your… And this seems unrelated, but it’s not because there were a lot of young women who were responding to the podcast saying that’s the situation they’re in. ‘Cause that usually does fall to the single daughter.
Lisa Anderson:
Yeah.
Sherri Lynn:
What was your response when something would happen and you would know, this is on me. You have siblings, I have a fantastic, wonderful brother who I adore and we are best friends and the wonder twins and all of that. But I’m in Florida and he’s not, right? And when things would happen with her, it happens, I’m here. I’m the one… Was that hard single moments for you?
Lisa Anderson:
Yeah, I would-
Sherri Lynn:
You don’t have to answer. You could be like, “I didn’t bank for all this Sherri. I was just trying to [inaudible 00:06:00] I’m trying to help you out. And now-”
Lisa Anderson:
It’s so funny, I had a lady and her husband buy two chairs out of my living room yesterday, and all of a sudden we got into caregiving and she was full on in tears, just straight off of Facebook marketplace. So I was like, here’s my ancillary ministry of selling my furniture and ministering to people who are going through caregiving. She was buying them for her dad who just went into assisted living, and having a super hard time.
So I would say yes, I remember, and this is one of those situations where I said to myself how it is very true and real that God shows up with the grace that you need in the situation you are in and not a minute before.
Sherri Lynn:
Yes.
Lisa Anderson:
‘Cause I remember, I mean especially near the end, my mom had a couple pretty rough falls that were very traumatic for me. But I remember, she didn’t even hurt herself externally. One was in her bedroom, and carpet and everything. And she’s a Norwegian, she can handle a fall. But I remember just putting… She was super chill about it and all like, “Okay.” But I couldn’t lift her, I had to actually call the fire department for a lift assist because she couldn’t help me help her, even though she wasn’t that large or anything. But I just put her pillow under her head and she just chilled there and we talked and I held her hand and we waited for the firemen to come, which was a whole other scenario of hilarity. ‘Cause they walked in looking like they had just done a calendar shoot.
Sherri Lynn:
Oh no, I’ve been there. I [inaudible 00:07:35] the whole fireman thing come in.
Lisa Anderson:
Yeah. They showed up and they were like, “Dorothy, how are you?” And they just pop her right up and then they have to do all their checks. And they’re like, “Dorothy. Hey, how do you feel?” And she leans into him and she said, “I feel wonderful.”
And now I’m like, “Oh, great. We’re going to be falling off in here.”
Sherri Lynn:
So she’s still there.
Lisa Anderson:
Yeah. Oh, yeah. She was just ready for it. So anyway, but I remember a couple of those things. In fact, I was jokingly thinking this the other day because here in town, I go to a Presbyterian church. I’m pretty reformed theologically. Any time Mom had a scenario, and I remember a lot of times for me it was a hard, attitudinal thing. Like she would flip out about something or get angry with me or get… She would flip and be really nasty.
Sherri Lynn:
Oh, that sounds tough. Yeah, right.
Lisa Anderson:
I would have some real hard emotional stuff around that. I remember driving to work and I would just turn and all of a sudden I was Pentecostal, and I was…
Sherri Lynn:
That’s good life. This Pentecostal life.
Lisa Anderson:
This is where I love Tim Keller, but he is not going to show up for me right here. I need to raise my hand like this and call out the power of the blood.
Sherri Lynn:
Oh, yes, plead the blood, plead the blood!
Lisa Anderson:
I pled the blood.
Sherri Lynn:
[inaudible 00:09:01] here.
Lisa Anderson:
Yeah, I pled the blood down 21st street many, many times. And so that, I appreciate working at Focus on the Family where I have the influence of many different denominations and faith traditions. ‘Cause I just cherry-pick whichever ones I need when I need them. It’s good.
Sherri Lynn:
Oh, yes. Let me just give a plug for Pentecostal. I know there’s a lot of issues, but in these scenarios it will get you through.
Lisa Anderson:
Yeah, for sure.
Sherri Lynn:
That’s true. Other scenarios, maybe not. But yeah, I know that feeling. And then you fast-forward a little bit, my mother’s still living, thank God. And fairly mobile and still needs some caregiving, but not a lot, thank God. But then you start thinking, or do you… Okay, now I keep saying, “I don’t have a me. So this, who’s doing this for you, Sherri?” My brain will go there in the weirdest times, my brain will go there. Do you think like that?
Lisa Anderson:
That’s probably my number one fear at this point in life. And started really with an awareness during caregiving because I saw that I was Mom’s me.
Sherri Lynn:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Lisa Anderson:
And I think for me, it’s really funny because this crops up kind of often.
Sherri Lynn:
No, I get that. The only thing that I say to myself is that what you know of him.
Lisa Anderson:
Yeah.
Sherri Lynn:
That’s what I say to myself to try to calm that fear. Is that what you know, is He the type of God that would be like, “Okay, you did all of that. You took care of your mother-in-law and now in your old age, there’s nothing, there’s no one, and good luck.” Do you know him that way? And I have to say no. I hate when people treat me a certain way when you know me. For instance, I’m late to everything, Lisa. So if y’all have invited me to brunch at 10 o’clock, what is y’all calling me at 10:07 for? I’ll see y’all at 10:15 like I always do. Don’t call me talking about, “Are you okay?” Yes, I’m fine, I’m late as usual.
So knowing someone, knowing how they are, knowing his history and character with me, it goes back to something that we’ve said on this podcast series frequently, which is say true things to yourself. What’s the truth? What’s the truth? What’s truth? But I know that that is a legitimate fear because I got emails of girls saying that, that they’re the caregiver and then in the back of their head… You’d be crazy not to think it. Who’s my caregiver?
Lisa Anderson:
Yeah, and the only thing, and here’s what the Lord told me. And in fact I just said this, I did an interview, I think it was last week with Chris Fabry on Moody, and we were talking about being single at Christmas and all this stuff around that. And there was a woman who called in and she was talking about caregiving and that fear of being alone and stuff. And I said, “Well, here’s what the Lord told me during that season.” And basically, because I think to myself, how many people say, “Well, I’m so glad, I really need to get married and have kids because I need to have someone care for me when I’m older.” And I’m like, “Well first of all, let me tell you about my siblings who were it not for me…” I mean, we’re talking six kids that could have cared for my mom and one showed up, okay?
And I said, “There is no guarantee there.” That is not some kind of weird insurance policy, because kids don’t show up, kids have issues, kids have whatever. And I said, “You know what I know? Whether you’re single or whether you’re married, the only person who is there for you in the end is Jesus himself. And he is responsible for you and he will care for you. And how he does that is up to him. And it might be through immediate family, and it might not be.” Because one of my biggest sadnesses, I can’t remember if I told you this, was that I wasn’t there when my mom died.
Sherri Lynn:
No [inaudible 00:12:57].
Lisa Anderson:
And she was in, her last six weeks she had to be in a memory care unit ’cause she lost her mobility with her last decline. And so I had been there. I knew it was the end, and I’d been there the entire day before and into the evening. But I was hosting Bible study that night. So I went back for Bible study. And actually my Bible study girls, they all went over, ’cause Mom’s place was next door, and visited her and saying with her and kind of said their goodbyes. And I said, “Well, I can’t. I’m going to do Bible study. I’m going to get some sleep. ‘Cause I know I have to be back in the morning.”
Well, at 5:00 AM I got a call that she had passed away. And I remember saying, “Why wasn’t I there? Why wasn’t I holding her hand? Why wasn’t I singing hymns to her? Why wasn’t I praying her through into the kingdom and all this stuff?” And it was my housemate Juliana who said that, that I’ve repeated so many times, she said, “Lisa, the one person who needed to be there was there, and that was Jesus.” And so that whole idea of whatever he did for her and however he showed up was enough for her.
And another example that I always use that’s a little more practical, hopefully this will encourage you, is my mom’s church out in Minnesota, tiny farm country church. Other than my mom, old, Esther Nyquist was in her nineties. They were the two old ladies left. Esther lived in her farmhouse her entire life. And she was single, never married, and she cared for every one of her family members, including her parents as they died. They came back home to die and she was kind of the one that cared for them. And then it became her turn. She had to leave the farmhouse. She could no longer be in there and stuff. I mean, we’re talking like mid-nineties at this point. And she was the last in her family and she was single, so who was going to be there? And a young couple in that church built an addition on their house.
Sherri Lynn:
Oh my goodness.
Lisa Anderson:
Bought a van that would accommodate her wheelchair and moved her in with them because God called them to do that. And I was just like, that for me was like, we don’t even know who God has planned for us.
Sherri Lynn:
That is right.
Lisa Anderson:
At some point that is going to be… Because that’s his business with them, is who’s he going to tell, “This is your ministry to walk and this is something you’re going to do to bless someone else.” And the fact that they were just in her church and they said, “God’s calling us to do this and we’re going to do it.” And so they cared for her ’til the end.
Sherri Lynn:
Let’s cut in right there. Our friend Lisa Anderson from Focus on the Family, we’ll have more with her. Listen, write these words down: remember Esther Nyquist. Write that down, print it out, put it everywhere. ‘Cause I honestly don’t think it is a coincidence that my hard drive crashes, I email Lisa last minute, “Hey, can you join me and help me make episode five happen?” She says, yes and she has that story. And we did not plan anything. I want you to know that. I did not send her any questions, I didn’t tell her what I was going to talk about. I just launched into it and we started talking. And that story is such a story of God’s faithfulness that I think we need to remind ourselves. All through this whole series, we kept saying speak true things to yourself. Esther Nyquist, the story of Esther Nyquist is a true thing.
And that true thing is God is faithful. He’s faithful and he loves us. And if he’s faithful to Esther Nyquist, doggone it, he can be faithful to me. He will be faithful to me and faithful to you. So when you’re battling that fear, and I don’t know one single person that doesn’t have that fear of, “I’m going to die alone, who’s going to take care of me? I don’t have any kids or I don’t have a husband, what’s going to happen to me?” It’s all of our biggest fear. If not, it’s in the top two. But Esther Nyquist story should remind you that God is faithful, his eye’s on you and he loves you. And he took care of her, and he’ll take care of you.
All right, more with Lisa Anderson coming up. What is the word friend-lationship? Are you in one? Do you even know what it is? We’ll talk about it coming up in the next segment of Snacks and Good Company.
Just taking a moment to say thank you to our sponsors Vision House. They are doing the work of Jesus. You hear me? They are. Helping families break the cycle of homelessness, overcome trauma, poverty, and just overall helping them to flourish. You got to check them out like today, right now. When you do, I guarantee you’re going to want to get involved. You can find out about the amazing work they do and the people they serve at visionhouse.org. Again, visionhouse.org.
Welcome back to Snacks and Good Company. Thank you so much again, I can’t say it enough so I’m going to just keep saying it, to our friend Lisa Anderson from Focus on the Family for saving the day. And man, we got into some good stuff. This next segment, we’re going to talk about why the grass is not always greener on the other side and how we know that. People always say it, but how do we know it? We’re also going to talk about having a friend-lationship. Do you know what that is? You may have one and not even know it. It’s worth talking about. So we’re going to get into that, the phrase, “You are not Julia Roberts,” is uttered in this segment. And trust me, it sounds like it’s discouraging, but it’s actually encouraging. You are not Julia Roberts, we’ll say that. But we start this off talking about something that Lisa discussed earlier in the podcast, and it is definitely worth revisiting.
Lisa Anderson:
The great thing about singleness and about scripture is that, and married people hate it when I say this, is that death levels the playing field. Because no one is going into heaven married. And let me tell y’all who are married, who might be listening here, and we love you too, but you will stand before the Lord on your own. And marriage is a great thing, and it is a picture of Christ’s covenant for us. And there is a lot that it does to sanctify people. But God uses singleness to sanctify as well. And in the end, the question for us is, what did you do with my son? You’re not going to look and say, “Well my husband, he did this or he didn’t do this.” Jesus is going to work with your husband on his own, again. And so that’s why I say, ladies, whether you’re single for a short season or a long season, your sure bet is Jesus himself. And that is it. Whether you are single, whether you are married, whatever, that’s who we have to cling to. And that’s our story and that’s our inheritance.
Sherri Lynn:
Brent says that all the time. I put all my chips on Jesus square, all of them, all of them, and trust his love and his character for me. ‘Cause that’s what we had, and I think even before eternity, that it levels the playing field if we allow it. And I said, I was so happy. It seemed like a mistake to have done the young moms podcast and then the singles podcast because then that just didn’t seem to connect and everyone was like, “Why did you do that?” Well it was because the moms one is the idea we had first. But I’m so glad I did it because I heard their angst and I heard their anxiety and I heard their issues and I heard their struggles. And not one of them said to me, “Thank God I’m not single.” Not one single solitary one of them said that to me.
So it was easy for me, or easier for me, to hear all of that and then come over to this other side of the fence to talk to these girls where I live and say, “Now I’m not sure what y’all think is going on on that side of the fence, but I spent some significant time over there. And if you think whatever you have here is going to be solved over there, I’m going to tell you that it’s not. Because the fears that you are saying may be different, but there’s fear and anxiety on that side too.”
Lisa Anderson:
Yeah. And why can’t we all link arms and walk it out together and play on each other’s strengths? Because I mean, that’s where I’m saying, I mean we’ve got stuff that the young moms are losing their minds where we could step in and we can be the strength and the burden bearer for them, and vice versa. They can maybe give us some, for those who love kids, give us some kid time or give us some perspective or give us some… And it’s like, again, we can band together and be that for each other. ‘Cause we’re going to trade. I say this so often, we’re going to trade some really hard stuff in singleness for hard stuff in marriage, for those who get married, and some really good stuff in singleness will go and then you get good stuff in marriage. And it’s not a better than or it’s just a different than, it’s not a better than. And so-
Sherri Lynn:
Oh, that’s good. It’s not a better than, it’s a different than.
Lisa Anderson:
Absolutely.
Sherri Lynn:
Well, all right, I got to ask one question. There was several people asking this. I’m sure you have been asked before, friendships between guys and gals, single, thoughts?
Lisa Anderson:
Thoughts. No, I just try to be best friends with married guys. You did not hear me say that, I’ll get fired from Focus on the Family. Now, okay, here’s-
Sherri Lynn:
That’s not what we meant when we said Focus on the Family!
Lisa Anderson:
Yeah, exactly. Don’t focus on other people’s families. Okay, now here’s the thing. I feel like I have had to loosen up about this in recent years, ’cause I used to be that one who was-
Sherri Lynn:
Okay, but where were you tight?
Lisa Anderson:
I was super tight in this first of all, don’t even be friends with people of the opposite sex because it’s going to get weird, it’s going to get inappropriate. I mean, I feel like I’ve been using the term friend-lationships since about 1984 or something. I don’t know. Because I’ve lived through a bunch of them. I was even in, Sherri, a group friend-lationship. Is that even possible? But yeah, it is ’cause I did it.
Sherri Lynn:
Okay. Can you define friend-lationship for us?
Lisa Anderson:
Yep. A friend-lationship is when a guy and a girl are friends and then one of them starts kind of like-liking the other one and they decide… But now it’s awkward because they’re also friends, that’s all that’s defined. So they’re just going to bide their time or do what they can to make things move in the direction they want without really putting things on the table. And so it’s like there’s no distinction, nothing’s defined. They’re hanging out all the time together. This is the way I say it. It’s like Ashley and Ben and their friends at church and whatever, and now they’ve become friends. Every Friday night it’s just assumptive that they’ll hang out. They like the same movies. They have their ringtones, they know each other’s Starbucks drinks. Whatever. And then this goes on, I mean it could go on for months.
And then all of a sudden Ben comes to Ashley and he’s like, “Well, have you met Rachel?” And she’s like, “Who’s Rachel?” And he’s like, “That new girl in our small group.” And she’s like, “Well, now I know who she is.” And he’s like, “Well, I’m thinking of asking her out.” And now Ashley has the chance to either flip out and punch him in the face or go home and burst into tears and eat two pints of Ben and Jerry’s. [inaudible 00:24:46] two pints ’cause one pint is a serving, so that’s totally legitimate. But two pints is where you go.
Sherri Lynn:
And some chips, ’cause you need salt. You can’t [inaudible 00:24:54]-
Lisa Anderson:
[inaudible 00:24:55].
Sherri Lynn:
…snacks and good company [inaudible 00:24:58].
Lisa Anderson:
And a diet Coke.
Sherri Lynn:
Right.
Lisa Anderson:
But it’s like there was nothing defined so she has no leg to stand on, but he’s clearly been using her for companionship and for all the benefits of a relationship. And this happens in Christian circles and it may or may not include sex at some point, and lots of people it can tread into the friends with benefits. I have a friend who did this, Sherri, for seven years with a guy.
Sherri Lynn:
Oh my gosh.
Lisa Anderson:
Okay, so almost all of her twenties were invested in a guy who never had any intention of dating her. But he loved her as a friend. I mean, they were so compatible and got each other and it was so much fun and whatever. And she was so personally convicted by this that she had idolized him. She had to sit down with him and break up with him officially from a non-relationship after seven years.
And for her, it was like a divorce. It took her two years-
Sherri Lynn:
Of course it was.
Lisa Anderson:
…It took her two years to get over him, and I’m not even sure if she entirely did. So that’s where I’m saying there’s just a lot of messiness in it when people don’t understand where they are. That said, I also say that until a ring is on the finger, this other person that you may or may not be going out with, even if it’s a healthy relationship, they are, until you are married, a brother or a sister in Christ. That is their position in your life. You’re not assuming anything else.
The other thing I always say is make sure that the level of your connection never exceeds the level of your commitment. So this is where people get messed up because all of a sudden, why are you brunching with his mother when you’re not dating him? What is he? Why are you all in his mother’s business and buying her gifts and hanging out with her? But women do that-
Sherri Lynn:
Yes we do.
Lisa Anderson:
…to try to get their hooks into a situation or make a relationship more than it is and all of a sudden… Because I’ve watched all the rom-coms, come on.
Sherri Lynn:
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Lisa Anderson:
All of a sudden after an hour and a half, he’s supposed to open his eyes and see what’s right in front of him and realize that, “Oh, this was there all along and now I need to put a ring on it.” And that happens about negative 12% of the time.
Sherri Lynn:
You are not Julia Roberts.
Lisa Anderson:
You are not. I don’t care how you like your eggs, you are not Julia Roberts. Okay, so this is where women need to get a clue. ‘Cause we are doing ourselves a disservice by hanging onto these men that have no business putting us in any kind of position of a relationship that’s actually going to go somewhere. So if he stands up and he says, “Yeah, I want to date you,” then yeah, now you have something to respond to and you can decide and whatever. But that said, we don’t need to get all crazy in the other direction of like, “I cannot [inaudible 00:28:04]”-
Sherri Lynn:
Get Starbucks with you.
Lisa Anderson:
Yeah, can’t go Starbucks. I can’t, I’m not sure that I better do this missions trip because what if something gets weird or go sideways or whatever? I can’t have a conversation. Now, I would say again, use your judgment and get other people into your life and in your business. Because what you don’t want to do is all day 24/7 text trails for some [inaudible 00:28:28].
Again, there has to be a level of appropriateness. And that’s where I say if all of a sudden you are spending more time with a guy than your other guy friends, you are giving more deferential treatment toward him than other ones. You sense your heart kind of tugging towards him. You’re trying to impress him. You’re spending an inordinate amount of time with him. That’s a red flag. But I also say there’s a lot that we can learn from others in opposite genders. Serve alongside the men in your church. Do love other people. Be kind. Ladies, be kind to the men in your life, single and married. Always think of what does it look like to treat this person like Jesus would treat them, regardless of that. And that is kindness that is being willing to help others, being willing to serve alongside others. And yeah most of us know our hearts and know our tendencies, and we just have to watch out on that front.
Sherri Lynn:
Let’s cut in right there. I told you you would love the discussion on friend-lationship. You may not love it if it’s calling you out. You may be like, “Oh, I didn’t want to hear that,” or, “move on already” no, we are not going to move on. As a matter of fact, we are going to continue talking about that because I think it’s a real issue and can be a real problem for us in our quest to be content as single people. So we’ll continue talking about that and more with Lisa Anderson from Focus on the Family.
And I still have your surprise for you. I saved that, that was salvageable. More than salvageable. I have it completely and in its totality. And Angelique will join us to talk about what that surprise is for you on this season finale of Snacks and Good Company. It’s coming up.
Welcome back to Snacks and Good Company. We are going to rejoin our friend Lisa Anderson from Focus on the Family. And again, just a reminder, we have your surprise coming up in just a little bit with our friend Angelique who co-hosted this series with me. She’ll be back and we’ll do all of that coming up.
But right now in this segment, we’re going to ask who are the truth tellers in your life? That’s very important as a single person. When you’re married, whether that person is a truth teller or not that you’re married to, you have the possibility of having someone in your space all the time and being able to see the things you’re doing that may be a little off, speak those things to you. You just have someone there. When you’re single, you can kind of almost be on an island or you can give people what we call our representative, not the real us. But who do you have that is a truth teller in your life? We’ll talk about why that is so important.
And in this segment we’re going to continue talking about friend-lationships and also more on can guys and gals, single guys and single gals, be friends? Or even if one is not single and one is married, can men and women be friends? Is that possible or is it always a problem? We’re going to keep talking about that too.
I think I was really harsh in the other direction in like, “Well, why can’t we? Why can’t we?” Because I had so many… I’m a musician, and so I was in a lot of bands. I was always with a bunch of guys and they were my friends. And then as each of them got married, if they did, then I put the boundaries in place, because guys aren’t always bright enough to do that. God bless you men as you listen. So I would be like, “Don’t call me after nine o’clock. Don’t text me at certain times. Even though we had all of that before, we can’t have it now ’cause I don’t ever want the two of you going through a fight and her going in your phone and see that you called me at 11:52. I know that’s nothing, but I know how I would feel.”
So for me, as my close male friends got married, I said to myself, she is their best friend. How do you respect her while still loving him? And that was a big thing for me, but I was always like, “Well, why can’t we be friends? What do we do with the Holy Spirit if we can’t be friends?” And then I started hearing friends say, the friend-lationship, I’m glad I have a word for it now. And I was like, “Oh, I understand.” Because our hearts start leaning in inappropriately. And I think that a really good thing is something that you said is surrounding yourself with people who can say that to you.
Lisa Anderson:
Yeah.
Sherri Lynn:
And listen to them, give them the benefit of the doubt when they’re mentioning that to you instead of that rejection denial right off the bat.
Lisa Anderson:
And whether it’s just friendship or whether it is someone that maybe you’ve started dating, having those objective eyes on whatever is going on here is necessary for protection, for accountability, for just good insight. I mean, here’s what, this is like caveat, freebie, everyone additional. ‘Cause I have advice on so many things, all born out of my own mistakes. This is why dating apps and the whole online experience is so nutty. Because you start talking to someone and you think it’s all innocuous, but then it’s been like a month and now where you have experienced that person is so much further than where your friends are. Your friends might just know that now you’re talking to someone. Well you know their whole history, you haven’t caught these people up. That’s not a normal experience of going out to dinner as a group of friends and all getting [inaudible 00:34:01]-
Sherri Lynn:
Right.
Lisa Anderson:
So I had this happen with a friend of mine who was practically engaged to a guy before I finally met him.
Sherri Lynn:
Oh my goodness!
Lisa Anderson:
Well, what am I supposed to do to add insight to that? Because she’s pretty much locked in with her heart. She’s not going to listen to me and say, “Well, let me go through the 4.5 red flags that I see in the first 30 minutes here.”
Sherri Lynn:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Lisa Anderson:
He’s not there for it at that point. And that’s why I’m like, we have to proactively go after people being in this experience relationally with us.
Sherri Lynn:
And I will say this, girls, as we close, that’s another Pentecostal thing. I’m closing. I will say this, the times when I have not involved people is because I knew I was wrong, or I knew that there was some kind of red flag already and I didn’t want anybody to bring it up. And so that’s a red flag to me to begin with is if I am apprehensive to even involve anybody in this scenario, in this talk. If I don’t even tell anybody, you know what I mean, until it’s far down the road, it’s because I already in my head, in my heart think that something’s not right here and I think you’re going to say it, and so I don’t let anybody know. So to me, for me, that is one of the biggest red flags is if I don’t involve people right from the beginning.
Lisa Anderson:
Yeah. And that’s the point right there that you’re making is first of all, back it up three steps. If you don’t have people in your life who will say it, that you don’t even have things to hide from, that’s your first problem.
Sherri Lynn:
Yeah, it is.
Lisa Anderson:
I mean-
Sherri Lynn:
[inaudible 00:35:31] probably fix that first.
Lisa Anderson:
You need to get some truth tellers in your life who are going to say… I always say that when I talk about dating, and it’s probably one of the more offensive things I said in the dating manifesto… ‘Cause I talk about having your team around you and helping you with all this kind of stuff. And I say, “On your team, pick four people that have their heads on straight, that love you, that know you, and that are going to talk to you straight. They are truth tellers. You pick four people. If those four people all agree that the guy you’re dating is a loser, you cut it off, no questions asked.”
Sherri Lynn:
Absolutely.
Lisa Anderson:
You say, “I am taking that as a word.” I don’t care, whatever that word is, you’re taking it as a word. Because those four people, and you have to admit that you are not in a state of mind to be able to make this decision on yourself because something is off and you need that objective wisdom on that situation.
Sherri Lynn:
All right, we’ll cut right there. Thank you so much to Lisa Anderson from Focus on the Family who joined us for this whole series and then came in here and saved the day for episode five. Thank you so much, Lisa. As I told her, “I owe you one.” She said, “Oh, I just need a timeshare in Florida,” which is where I happen to live. And yeah, you can timeshare any time here, Lisa. Thank you so much.
Now we are going to get into your surprise. This is what kept me going with the hard drive crash and all that went on with that, knowing that I could still do this was very exciting to me. We talked about this at the beginning of the series, Angelique and I, and we were able to pull it off. We’re going to get into it. However, the first thing I asked Angelique as she joins us here at the end of the season finale, I asked her what did she learn? What did she get out of this? She was a part of the interviews, she was a part of the Roundtable discussions, and the virtual discussions. And I wanted to know as a co-host, what did she learn and what did she get out of this series? Here’s what she had to say.
Angelique Struthers:
I think for me, what I came away with that I didn’t have before was that something dropped down from head knowledge to heart knowledge for me. And it had been head knowledge for me for a long time, but being able to sit in it and experience it in the context of as we started having these conversations and I was just really like, yeah. And for me it was that I’m okay. I’m single and I’m okay. And in addition to that, I’m single, I’m okay, and I’m not depressed about it, and I’m not lacking anything, and there’s nothing wrong with me.
With every conversation that we had, the panel discussions and the Roundtable, with everything, every single time we sat down with these ladies and discussed it more and more, to your point about that growing confidence, I was just really like, “No. Yes, we’re really okay. And there’s nothing wrong with us. Yes. Okay, we’re good.” So again, back to that, I’m not crazy. I really am good right here.
Sherri Lynn:
Yeah. What we set out to do was give God’s girls the affirmation that we know that flows from Calvary and from his throne. And I know that we did that. I have 100% certainty in our flawed, sinful selves, whatever. So it’s not about us, but it’s about what his spirit pulled together. And I’m comfortable with that. I know this series said, Jesus is better than what we’re showing you.
Angelique Struthers:
Yeah.
Sherri Lynn:
And I’m sorry that we, and hold my… When people talk about the church and they talk about themselves outside of it, I’m a part of the church-
Angelique Struthers:
Part of it.
Sherri Lynn:
…I’m in the mix. I’m in the milieu, I’m in the whole thing. And I apologize. He’s better than what we’ve shown you. He loves you more than we’ve shown you. I’m sorry girls. And here’s something to tell you what I believe he actually says about you. And so to that end, I said to you in the beginning of this series, “Hey, let’s write a song.” And when I say let’s, I mean you.
Angelique Struthers:
I see.
Sherri Lynn:
Was your idea. [inaudible 00:40:04] I feel I wasn’t like, I was like, [inaudible 00:40:06] person. Do something with that. No, I just said I wanted a song that women could hear, it resonated with them. I’m wondering how you did it? How did you approach writing this song before we let you sing it?
Angelique Struthers:
Clearly of course, the process for me always starts with prayer,.but for me, resounding in my head was the many conversations that we had leading up to getting the opportunity, the awesome privilege of just interviewing these ladies and sitting with them and hearing their lives and their hearts. And in the many conversations, the place that you always went to was exactly that scripture, the woman at the well, living water. And you would say, Ange, I just want them when they listen to it, I want this to be what Jesus gave to her. I want them to leave with living water. And so that was kind of resounding in my head as we were just preparing and gearing up. And more often than you would realize, it came while I was driving. Which is why I always keep my little voice note app or my digital recorder handy. And I can’t tell you how many you can just hear me driving in the background, some rain or something, and I’m going… Like humming a melody.
I was driving in the car and all I got was it was melody and lyrics came at the same time. And I was like, okay, that’s something. Once I sat down with what I had, which was like two lines and a piece of a melody, and then I just started recalling all of our conversations leading up to, and then I started recalling some specific moments of conversations with these beautiful ladies and it just kind of started slowing. And I was like, okay. And so got her done, and then we got a song.
Sherri Lynn:
Yeah, it could not have been more perfect. And so Drew and you and Jason got together for the draft, and now you guys are here again. And you’re-
Angelique Struthers:
And they called in some favors, so they called in a couple of friends too.
Sherri Lynn:
Okay, great.
Angelique Struthers:
So we got a whole little set up.
Sherri Lynn:
It’s fantastic. And ladies, as you’re listening, I just want you to hear this and this is… I was going to say our little gift to you, but I really believe it’s God’s gift to you.
Angelique Struthers:
Yeah.
Sherri Lynn:
I really do.
Angelique Struthers:
That’s good.
Sherri Lynn:
And so Ange and the fellas are going sing us on out. And thank you so much for being with us during this whole series. And when you’re listening to this in the future, ’cause I really do believe that this is what it is now, but there’s coming a time where it’s going to really, really, really be [inaudible 00:42:57]-
Angelique Struthers:
There’s so many hearts yet to be freed, I do believe that.
Sherri Lynn:
Yes. And so if you’re listening to this way in the future, this is just God’s gift to you, this little melody that I hope blesses you. You ready, Ange?
Angelique Struthers:
We’re good to go.
Sherri Lynn:
All right, here’s Ange and… Is it Living Water? That’s the name of the song?
Angelique Struthers:
Yeah. Living Water.
Sherri Lynn:
Living Water. All right. Ange and the guys are going to sing us out.
Angelique Struthers:
I thought that I was worth only what other people could see. No joy inside, ’cause I couldn’t find my fairytale story. But now I see what you offer to me. And I got a breath of fresh air after a drink of fresh water. And now I don’t care what they think about me, ’cause I am your daughter. Only thing that really matters to me is how you see me. Now that I’ve got that living, living water. Yeah, I’ve got that living water.
I used to plan my life: first a man, then a wedding, then the kids. But now that I’ve got a motor without the dreams that are planned in my hands, I wonder God, did I do something wrong? Do you still see my tears? But now they’ve dried and here’s the reason why.
‘Cause I got a breath of fresh air after a drink of fresh water. And now my tears don’t define who I am, ’cause I am your daughter. Only thing that really matters to me is how you see me. You came to me knowing my needs and every desire of my heart. You spoke to my thirsty soul, filled me ’til I thirst no more. Now I did see you’ve offered to me.
I caught a breath of fresh air, after a drink of fresh water. And now I don’t care what they say about me, ’cause I am your daughter. Only thing that really matters to me is how you see me. Only thing that really matters to me is how you see me, yeah. Only thing that really matters to me is how you see me. Now that I’ve got that living, living water. Yeah, I’ve got that living, living water. Now I’ve got that living, living water. I’ve got that living, living water. I’ve got that living, living water. I’ve got that living water.
Sherri Lynn:
Snacks and Good Company is presented by Purposely, produced by me. The co-host for this series is an Angelique Struthers. Music is done by Matt Mason of Mason Haven Music. Thank you, Matt. Art designed by Notoria Marketing. Sound engineering by Garrett Whitehead. Social media by Janessa Schuller Multimedia. And the recording was done in Studio Me in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
Make sure you subscribe to this so that you have every episode. And now that we’re here at the end, would you do me a favor? Would you share this with a single person that you know, share this series. And also, if you can rate and comment on your favorite podcast app about this series, it’ll help other people find it. Thank you so much, and we’ll see you the next time, the next season of Snacks and Good Company.
Angelique Struthers:
I’ve got that living, living water. Yeah, I’ve got that living, living water. I’ve got that living, living water. I’ve got that living, living…
About Sherri:
Sherri Lynn has been a radio professional for well over a decade. She has her degree in Communications as well as Biblical Studies. Sherri is a writer, comedienne, and former youth pastor. She wrote and produced a comedy DVD entitled “The Very Funny Church Comedy Show: Together We Laugh”, wrote and starred in the stage play musical “The Bold and the Sanctified” which starred American Idol Winner Ruben Studdard, and authored the book “I Want To Punch You In The Face But I Love Jesus.” She is the producer of The Brant Hansen Show and “The Brant & Sherri Oddcast.”
