We nerds are known for going all-in. We are passionate about our areas of expertise and interest, so how do we know how far is too far? In today’s conversation we’ll talk about what to do when we feel the weight of the world in our souls, how to assess if this is a good season for our activity of choice, and walk through specific steps we can take to begin excellent adventures right where we are.
Transcription:
Nathan Sutherland:
Hello everyone and welcome to the Gospel Tech Podcast. My name is Nathan Sutherland, and this podcast is dedicated to helping families love God and use tech. Today we are wrapping up our nerd dad series and we are talking today about how do we know our limits. We have so far talked about, my goodness, what it means to be a nerd, how that applies to technology. This idea basically that nerdiness is something you’re so passionate about, you want other people to be passionate about it too. How do we raise nerds in a tech world? How do we be good husbands and really set the stage for this? And then the final piece of this conversation is, how do we know our limits? And I tried to find a pithier way to say that, and this is what I came up with was knowing our limits. And really what I mean for that is, first of all, what do we do with our restless hearts that when we nerd inappropriately, it tends to be that we’re trying to find hope in that thing? So, how do we do with that well?
The second is, how do we know if this nerd outlet, this thing that I’m passionate about is a good choice? We can’t just rely on our feelings, so how do I know?
And then third is, how do I actually build these adventures? I touched on this a little bit last time, but I want to dive a little bit deeper. I really think there are three things we can do. We talked a bit about how do we know if it’s a good adventure, how do we think about it? It piques curiosity and extends from hope and points us to God, were the three things we talked about. But today we’re going to actually talk about, all right, what does that look like? How can I begin to apply this in my own life? So big picture is going to be, how do we know our limits personally? And then, how do we not just try to play games with the limits, but how do we actually pursue the Lord inside of faithful limitations, knowing that the Lord can fill in the gaps of our joy and I guess our own distractions that we might pursue on our own instead trusting Him to give us better things? So, with no further ado, let’s get this conversation started.
Thank you to everyone who’s helped make this podcast possible. Thank you for listening, for sharing, for liking and subscribing so you don’t miss any new content. And thanks for joining us every single week as we have this conversation about how do we love God and use tech. Today, we’re finishing this nerd dad series. This is, as I said in the first episode, it is a passion project of mine. It is not something that is, I guess, fully baked. I’ll just fully acknowledge that, that this even from the beginning has pivoted and shifted a little bit because it’s coming from a place where this is something I’m excited about.
My first passion is seeing young people reach their full potential in Christ. That is what I’m most excited about. When I speak in public schools, that’s at the end of the day, what I want to see happen. But I have to use different words because a lot of these kids, like when I was teaching public school, they didn’t even know David and Goliath. They didn’t know the flood. They didn’t have basic premise. Like you can’t read most European literature without some basic understanding of these.
So I have to go in there with a different concept on hope and purpose without maybe using the Bible verses. But at the end of the day, what I want to see, I want to see hearts change and lives renewed by the power of the Holy Spirit moving into these kids. And I know God is doing that work. I’m just a vessel. That passion then leads me to empowering parents to talk about tech. That’s gospel tech. And that led me to this niche of talking to nerd dads. Dads, we’re all passionate about something. So what are we so passionate about that we can use that as a missional opportunity with our kids? And where is it maybe distracting from our service and call to our children, to our wives, to the lives God has put us in wherever we’re at in our singleness, in our brokenness, in our parenting, whatever that looks like?
So this is going to be the fifth, and I think it’s fifth and final for this portion of the conversation. I’m 100% sure I’ll return to this in some way, shape or form. But today, knowing our limits. First, restless heart. Second, how do we know if it’s a good choice and season? And third, how do we adventure well?
Let’s go with restless heart to kick us off here, this came up this last week. I was down at my parents’ house running an errand. Honestly, our minivan has semi died and I’m not super mechanical, and so minivan was dead, I was texting all of my mechanically minded friends who know cars and vehicles like, “Hey, what am I supposed to do?” And it eventually got down to, “Well, you need a multimeter and you need to test for parasitic draws or ghost draws. You need to be running all of these things, checking fuses,” doing stuff that’s well beyond my kin, but it’s what I can afford. So I am attempting to fix this. And in leaving the garage at my parents’ house, closing the garage door had this bizarre experience of I want to play video games.
Now, I know intellectually that this is at least partly related to just anxiety and stress and unknowns and kind of being on. But there’s this reality, I’ve been 12 years, haven’t played a video game because it was unhealthy for me. And I looked to video games to provide me hope. And it wasn’t just like an inkling or an urge. I’ll have weird … I’ll wake up from a dream and think that I’d been playing video games. That stuff happens occasionally to me. This was like I knew what game I wanted to play. I knew the experience I would have playing it. I knew the setting I wanted. I can picture the snacks I should have while playing this game. It’s been over a decade since I’ve played a game and it was a visceral longing and experience that I wanted to have and I had to kind of process this.
Like all right, that’s weird. I actually made a voice note of it. I got to my car. I was like, this is weird. And I want to make sure I’m not just being legalistic. I’m not saying no to video games just because I think they’re bad. I believe that I was called away from video games and that was very much a season, but okay, maybe this is a change, like you’ve got to go back and wrestle with it. Maybe the Lord’s calling me back to it. Very clearly not by the way. Spoiler alert. But I was like maybe this is the day after 12 years that I get to go enjoy video games because … And I had my list, and all these things woke up in my heart and it didn’t take me long because twofold, one, I just simply prayed about it. I’m like, “Lord, is this something you’re handing back to me because it’s not morally wrong and now I’ve matured enough that I can handle it?”
No, very clearly not. I did not feel any peace about that decision. I was like, all right, but what am I doing with this thing that just woke up and I have this just urge, this intense longing to go play games? And I was like, wow, there’s really only two options if I do this. One is that the game will be everything I dreamed it would be, and I’m going to be so dissatisfied with real life and I have exactly zero extra hours in my life right now that I could go dump into a video game that would require, by the way, none of the games I enjoy are quick play games. You may not know this about gamers, but we don’t just like games because they’re digital. There’s something about that game that speaks to us. Some people love sports games. I would rather do manual labor than play a sports game. And yes, I’m including most racing games, athletic sports games like soccer, football, basketball. They are physically … Unless it’s Blitz and I get to pile drive people, but that’s not my jam. I don’t enjoy that.
So I have a very specific niche of game, and I’m not playing them quick. They’re long. They’re invested. They’re going to take my heart and my mind because that’s what I like about them. So problem one, I play it and it’s everything I dreamed it would be. And now I’m in a situation where I don’t have the time and the mental resource and the emotional capacity to both involve this hobby, this escapism in a negative way, this escapism from good to personal kingdom building where I get to be whoever I want to be, not who God’s called me to be. And then option two is it doesn’t add up.
So I’m like, well, all right. I’m not tempted to play this game anymore, but what do I do with this restlessness in my soul? The thing that caused me to say, you should go play a game right now. You know the game. You know what it’ll feel like. You know the snacks you should have. You know the environment you want. Go do it. Well, if the game didn’t do it, then I still am restless and I’m not satisfied. And neither of those options are good. So what do I do with my restless heart? What do I do with my restless soul? This part of me that has a longing that I tell myself that games can fulfill and at least tickle? I could at least feel good for a little bit and then it goes away. And now I’m left holding the bag of either I need to invest more deeply in this to be okay, or now I just am really not okay because real life wasn’t cool, that didn’t do it, and now what comes next? What do I use to fill that spot?
So this reminded me of Psalm 42. So let me just read this. Psalm 42, “As a dear pants for flowing water, so pants my soul for you, oh God, my soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When shall I come and appear before God? My tears have been my food day and night. While they say to me all the day long, where’s your God? These things I remember as I pour out my soul. How I would go with the throng and lead them in procession into the House of God with glad shouts and songs of praise, a multitude keeping festival. Why are you cast down, oh my soul? Why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God. My soul is cast down within me. Therefore, I remember you.”
That when we are thinking about, okay, but what do we do when we just feel that weight and we need this thing to be okay? Remember to turn back to the Lord. It’s not because this is the religious prescription to be okay. It’s this is what your soul is longing for. Remember that all of our desires are stemming from good things the Lord’s given us. That hunger for the Lord is good. It reminds us of our need and it should drive us back to Him. And that it’s okay to do activities that enhance that, that increase our love and awe and amazement and curiosity about the Lord. But when I use it as a supplement, when I say, “Well, you know what? I’m just a little stressed out, so I can’t read my Bible. I can’t worship right now. I can’t talk to God, I can’t confess.” Instead, I need to show, I need this game, I need this music or I’m too anxious. So please go to the music. But don’t do it in lieu of going to the Lord.
Go to it after you’ve sought the Lord, play the game after you’ve repented and brought your brokenness to God. That is our number one thing we have to remember to do in this is when we say, how do we know our limits? The first is we’ve got to recognize when we’re okay and when we’re not, and go to the Lord quickly with our needs and with our hungers and with our anxieties and with our fears, with the heaviness of our souls, and to remind our souls, this is what you actually need. You hunger and thirst for the Lord. Anyway, that’s what I would say for this first part is what do we do with the restless soul? We take it to the Lord. What do we do with the restless heart? We give it to God and take back what He gives us.
So I have not played video games because I very quickly realized, man, this is a hunger thing and it’s waking up something deep and dark, I think, from my past. It’s bringing up something way, way back. And so what do I do with that? Well, as I mentioned, the second thing we do then is how do we know if it’s good in this season? Well, I prayed, first of all. Say, “Lord, is this a good nerd habit? Yes, it happens in nature, but does it fit what my family needs?” So for me, I love cycling, but there are times in life when cycling is a terrible decision. I’m needed around the house. So maybe I get to use the trainer, maybe I get to go on a short walk, but maybe there’s a season and a time where, you know what? I’ve got time for this long ride.
And by the way, long rides can take hours. And so it can be just like any other sport or activity that takes you away for a day because you’ve got your prep, you’ve got your return, and oh, by the way, you weren’t just sitting there for those hours. You were working, and so you might be a little emotionally dead at the end of it. What’s the appropriate time and place for that? Is this building for my family or is it detracting from them? So the first piece is pray about it. Second piece is reset. Does this improve or impede my relationships and responsibilities, my emotions, sleep, enjoyment and time? Really looking at that last episode last week where we talk about does this build our curiosity? Does this peak our curiosity? Does it build awe and wonder? And does it basically draw us closer to God or distract us from Him?
And then the final piece, how do I know if it’s a good choice for me in this season would just be the content and priorities. So we have our reset. I know if it’s healthy, but what is the content? Does it match a biblical standard that I should be celebrating? So this game won awards or this music is really moving, but what’s it celebrating? What messages is it repeating in my heart and my mind, especially when my heart is heavy, especially when I’m anxious and I need this thing? Is this the kind of message I want to be celebrating? I’m not saying it has to quote Bible verses, I’m just asking. There are some things that quote Bible verses that talk more about you than about God. And maybe that’s not the kind of music you need to listen to right now. Maybe you need some music that helps you bend your knee and repent appropriately, reminds you of scriptural truth.
Again, I’m a big fan of Christian hip hop, so look up some KB or some Bizzle or some Lecrae or some Tedashii or some Flame or any of these excellent … Or if you don’t know any of them, enter one of those names into Spotify or Apple Music or anywhere and they’ll give you suggested playlists. So those people know how to drop the gospel in a way that is fun to listen to and encouraging for your soul. And then priorities is, okay, I know I need to do this thing. So for me, I know I need to fix my family car and my head and my brain is telling me to go escape. Well, that’s not something I can commit to right now. My priorities are my family, my ministry, my relationship with the Lord. It’s the reason I haven’t played games in 12 years. I don’t have the time.
Not like there’s no physical time. I waste time doing lots of things, but when I waste time on video games, my heart goes to a place where it now enters consumption mode, it enters use this to be okay mode, and I don’t have the space in my life to add that to it. It leads me down a dark path to sin and selfishness and building my own kingdom, and I can’t do that. That’s the priority piece.
Finally, third, for how do we know our limits is well, what are we building adventures from? And again, how do I know my limits is an awkward … Anyway, knowing your limits on building adventures, this is how I’ll say it, it needs to be limited to things you’re interested in. Don’t just do things because you feel like you should. When we should on ourselves, it makes it tricky because we’re no longer living from the passion, the interest, the design God’s wired us for. We’re living from what we think people should do. And I’m not saying don’t read your Bible if you don’t feel like it. We’re called to do that to know the Word of the Lord, to be directed by the Holy Spirit that will remind us of the things Jesus says as Jesus tells us in John 14 and 15.
But I’m saying when we add activities, okay, let me think of a good example for this. If I feel like, well, you know what? Everyone in my group loves a activity, so I’m going to go do that activity, but I’m doing it because I feel like I should do it, not because I’m passionate about it, there can reach an unhealthy investment where I’m like, man, this makes me so anxious to do. Maybe it’s the type of exercise you do. Maybe it’s the type of hobby these people invest in and it just doesn’t jive with you.
For me, that would be more on the athletic side. Most athletic endeavors are not my jam, but cycling does. Playing certain games with my kids does. Going out, and if it feels competitive and fun, that’s great, but just competing to win is not my thing. And I find that emotionally and spiritually exhausting. Competing to win has never been what motivates me to a fault sometimes. I have to train that muscle, but that’s important to know about ourselves because it has to line up with your interest. Not just with, well, this is what people do on Instagram, so I’m going to go do it. So maybe instead of going for a hike, you go for a walk or vice versa, but getting outside is the right idea. Getting in nature can be great. I hope that’s coming across right though. Interest is key because that’s going to be natural now.
Now you’re taking your child to an activity you enjoy or are passionate about or an activity your child enjoys and is passionate about, not just well we need to go outside because it builds character. That’s kind of where I’m trying to come from. Don’t be Calvin’s dad from Calvin and Hobbes.
Then we’re going to look at investment. How much time and money can you afford on this thing? Do you have 30 minutes a week, 30 minutes a day? What’s your investment? Because you need to pick an activity you can actually commit to. There are some amazing activities. I have friends and family who love skiing and snowboarding. That’s incredible. But around here, it ain’t cheap. And also it takes a full day out of your life. Unless, you’ve got evenings and some people go, no, we only ski after 4:00 PM because it’s … What is it? Dusk skiing, night skiing. Anyway, it’s cheaper. There’s no one out there. We don’t mind the snow conditions. And it’s great for our family. We can do it after work. Super cool. We’re not at a stage of life where we can do that, but if it works for your time investment and your money investment, then this is acceptable. So now it’s something you’re interested in.
I, for example, interested in skiing, not the current season for me because the time and the money is not there right now, but I love it and I hope one day to get there. So then that brings us to our third is, all right, how are we going to do it? A lot of these activities, we don’t have the resource for either emotionally we don’t or we just don’t have the skillset. Like Owen, my eldest, loves baseball. I’m not a baseball player. Again, something I wasn’t competitive enough to be good at. I’m not a baseball player, but I want Owen to be able to invest in this because it is something that brings out all the best things in him. So how do we do it? Good news is we know some nerds who are into baseball and who are passionate about it and good at it. So that’s one area.
And I just have a bunch of examples. You want to get out into nature. We were on a family trip this last summer. I didn’t know the area. I used an app called AllTrails. It works for anywhere in the United States. I don’t know if it’s global, but you can check that if you’re in another country. AllTrails is awesome because it’ll tell you what it’s like. It’ll have user pictures of it. We’ve used AllTrails to then just find locations, be like, “All right, what’s within our means and costs? We can’t drive to the mountain today. That’s two hours away. But I could go 30 minutes away and find a waterfall because it’s Washington State and that’s incredible.” So AllTrails is one example of a way we could borrow the nerdiness of the people around us who are already invested in this to find out what our families could do.
Another example, we are into board games and I don’t have enough time to necessarily research them all because there’s tons of board games. I certainly don’t have enough time to play them all. But I have a brother-in-law, he’s a super nerd and he’s super passionate about researching games and then he’ll order some, play them, decide if they’re good, keep the best ones and resell the other ones. Which means when I want a good game for say a Christmas list, I can just go tap him and be like, “Hey, give me a couple game options that are awesome.” And it’s incredible, an absolute blessing to have that. And something that’s cool to our relationship is we just get to talk board games because it’s something we’re both passionate about. But that’s something then that I can use to enhance my children’s board game experiences.
Another example. Locally for people that aren’t into organized sports, there’s a great archery range near us and the people who work it, they show up at the state fair and they just let you shoot bows and arrows, which is awesome, and I can’t believe it’s still a thing, but they do. So they have this really cool archery range. And then for 10 bucks on Thursdays, you can get a 2 hour lesson. They line you up in two rows, you get three shots. The second group gets three shots, everyone goes downfield, pulls their arrows, reset. And that’s what Henry’s going to do. He is not going to do an organized sport this season. He’s going to do archery, which is awesome. He got a bow last Christmas, and by the way, a nice recurve is like 100 bucks. You can get into the sport pretty cheap and spend a couple of hours. You’re not going to get overstimulated shooting a bow and arrow.
But I don’t know enough about archery. I don’t know the parts. I don’t know even the questions to ask. I don’t know anything about it. I just found that Henry’s bow uses something called a Flemish string. What? Why? Probably because the Flemish and long bows and such, but it’s like lots of little strings twisted together and they look sometimes like they’re frayed. They’re not. You just need bow wax. Who knew? I didn’t. Thanks nerds.
Another example for this nerd athletes. I mentioned the baseball one already, but Owen is doing a winter sport, he’s doing basketball. Anna’s favorite. But we don’t have time to coach in this season. Well, turns out we know a guy, runs a basketball camp and is passionate about it. So during Thanksgiving break and then again during Christmas break, he’s running open gyms with older kids. So Owen’s going to be running around with fifth and sixth graders and it’s awesome. That’s so cool to have these people who are passionate about it and can help our children grow and learn and build character and work hard because at the end of the day, being good at basketball is not the main goal.
The main goal is to look like Jesus, but basketball can help with that. It’s an adventure our kids can go on that we absolutely want to do. And oh, by the way, we also already have signed up Owen for that summer camp with basketball that this guy runs because we want that to be part of his summer. We want him to have some invested time around great people who are passionate about something he’s passionate about because it matches those three. It matches the interest, the amount we can invest and the nerds we know. There will be some activities we can’t invest in. I think rock climbing is cool. We don’t have that right now. I think all sorts of other activities are cool. I won’t run you through a list of things I think are cool and can’t do.
Final one would be some of our children love theater and presentation. And we have recently run into a beautiful resource here in town of a local theater. It’s run by two Christians. It’s not a Christian specific theater, but it’s run by Christians and they run a summer theater camp. And so we are going to have children in that because the cost is right because it matches interest and it matches the resources we’ve got around us. So when we look big picture, how do we know our limits? And again, it’s that bigger picture of first we address our restless hearts. We need to make sure we know why those limits are there. I do want to be specific. I should have probably said this earlier, but I’m not trying to help you find how far is too far and then just back it up a touch. I’m not playing some kind of games with spiritual wellness where we’re trying to do the calculus. I’m like, all right, well this much and the whole thing breaks, so then I can just back it off a touch.
I would remind you of that wonderfully convicting statement by Steve Shell, my former pastor when he said, “If you’re asking God to help you manage your sin, you’re praying the wrong prayer. God doesn’t manage sin, he kills it.” I’m not trying to help you manage sinful or wrong behavior. I’m trying to say the Lord has given you a passion that you want to pursue because it’s amazing and it’s incredible and it’s life giving and it’s good. But how do you know when it’s too far? The first is recognize the restless heart and soul, that calling within you of like, man, I need this to be all right. Give that to the Lord in prayer. Then look at whether this activity is a good choice for this season. Is it healthy for you with the reset? Does it match proper content biblically like Philippians 4:8 style and just for your family and stage of life? Like you like this game, it’s okay, but it’s not great for your six-year-old to watch. So maybe take that into consideration, that might be a way you could [inaudible 00:23:57] to yourself.
And then third, priorities. Does this line up with what’s most important? I had to fix my car and help my family. Playing games just wasn’t going to work in addition to all the other reasons. And then third and finally, when we do get adventures, let’s make sure that they match our interests, interests for our kids or our personal interests because those reflect ways God has made us and it’s going to lead us down really cool little rabbit holes of exploration that you may never realize. Again with cycling, not something I realized I’m passionate about and it’s become this cool outlet. It’s partly my commute. It’s partly leveling me. It is something that really helps me emotionally, but it’s also partly this just celebration of I’ve currently got a body that can do it. That’s awesome. Let’s go celebrate this beautiful area I live in and enjoy it, but not at the expense of my wife, not at the expense of my emotional health, not at the expense of my kids and ministry.
Then we go to investment of our time and money and then find our nerd resources. I even forgot with the Justin one, my brother-in-law, who is the nerd extraordinaire. There’s also a local board game shop. So then we can combo his knowledge with our kids’ interests and go do a little play date at a board game shop. I think it’s five bucks. You rent a table out here in Washington, Cole Street Board Games. I’m pretty sure I’ve shouted them out before or Blue Highway Games up in Seattle. Those are two I would strongly encourage you to check out, that have local plane areas where you can test out games and just go as an outing. You don’t even have to buy stuff. Five bucks for an outing is solid, but those are the nerd resources you’ve got and I hope you use them well.
So in review, we know nerd dads dads, we are called to do the Lord’s work with our family, to serve our wives, to lead our kids up in the way they should go. And nerding well is part of that. So let’s address our restless hearts. Let’s assess what we’re giving ourselves to make sure this is the right season and let’s use our interest, our investment, and our nerd resources to the utmost, to God’s glory and to our good because you’ve been wired for it. So there’s a lot we could have talked about that we didn’t talk about in this one, but I hope this is encouraging and redirecting. And I don’t know. I guess more than even redirecting, I hope that it is inspiring that it gives you the courage and maybe the conviction to start that new project or that new adventure or that new business to take a step in the direction the Lord’s calling you, to step out of some of the safety that we stay in because we’re like, well, this is the stuff I know.
All right, maybe that’s not where the Lord’s called you. Maybe it’s too safe. Maybe the point isn’t step back from the ledge of your limit, but step out into the limit that the Lord has set for you because it might be beyond what you think you can handle. So I am praying for you and with you, I hope this is encouraging. If you have any questions, you can either write [email protected]. That goes into the Q&A section that I’ll cull through and do a future episode for. Or you can send me a note directly, [email protected]. You can also find us on Instagram and Facebook at Love God Use Tech, and you can join us next week as we continue this conversation about how we can love God and use tech.
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