My Kid Is Ready For Tech. Now What?

How do we teach our children to use tech well? We’ve setup hedges, we’ve assessed tech health, and we know the lies tech will tell us. Today we discuss how to help our children use tech well by looking at the fruit, the fit, and the safety of our new tech. Doing this empowers us to use the best tech, stay hope focused, and fight for our children (not just with them) when it comes to technology.

Ways to listen:

🔗 click the link in the profile
🎧 search Gospel Tech in your favorite streaming service (iTunes, Amazon)

Follow Gospel Tech: Online | Instagram | Facebook | Twitter

---

Transcription:

Hello everyone and welcome to the Gospel Tech podcast. My name is Nathan Sutherland and this podcast is dedicated to helping families love God and use tech.

Today, we are finishing our little miniseries on technology, inspired by a parent who was very concerned about technology after one of my workshops, asking, “What can we actually do to raise kids who can be successful?” So, over the last two, we’ve kind of talked big picture about that, addressing the four lives of tech, addressing hedges and how to know if tech is safe in our family and how to help it stay safe. And then, today, I wanted to talk a little more applicable because that’s really where this parent was driving at, was, “Okay, but with my child, in my life. Now, I understand all the great theory that’s out there, but how can I actually apply this to my kiddo?” And we’re going to take it really in three segments.

The first is going to be understanding if it’s safe and then looking at the fit for our child and then looking at the fruit that is produced, and then having that be the conversational loop, because once my family has hedges built up, well, those don’t really need to change a lot, as long as all their devices are accountable and the network has some kind of safety net built in and we have regular ongoing conversations. Well, what are the conversations about? It’s not just, “Hey, you got anything to self-report?” “Nope, I’m all good mom or dad.” “Cool. Well done kiddo.” That’s not it. The conversations are, “Hey, I’ve seen you’re doing awesome with your relationships. I’ve seen this improve your emotional wellbeing. I’ve seen you absolutely crushing your sleep habits, and I’m so proud that you are putting in the hard work of being healthful and getting the most out of the body and the life that God’s given you.” That’s all great. Those are your regular conversations.

Then when we look at the actual tech we’re using, the ongoing conversation then directs to whatever stage of life we’re at. So. That’s what today is. You could have a 6-year-old or a 16-year-old or whatever you want to say, cradle to college, the technology will change, the conversation doesn’t have to. You keep having the same conversation about basically, “Are we using this tech on purpose, where it’s helping us accomplish our goals and what God has set before us? Or are we using it for purpose, and it’s actually distracting us? And now I’m finding my identity in my wins online or my success with friends or my distraction with shows or the music that puts me in a certain vibe or mood. And instead of it building me up, it’s breaking me down.” That then becomes a conversational point, not because you’re mad, not because you’re scared of the tech even, but because you love this individual, this son or daughter of yours, and you see it taking them sideways and you want to lovingly intervene with that.

So, that’s kind of the framework of this. But concerned parent, you have a kiddo, the first thing you need to do is address is this tech safe. You go, “Man, I’m sending my kid out into this tech world. I’m going to be giving them things that help them prepare for that. How do I do that?”

Well, first, let’s make sure that tech is safe. This might be initiated by you, which was a scenario I just suggested, but sometimes it’s your son or daughter comes home and says, “Hey, everyone in class has a,” insert the blank. Or they just saw a commercial. They’re at a friend’s house, said, “Hey, I would really like one of these. I’d like to play this game, use this app, have this device,” whatever it might be for your family. Safety is our first piece.

There is technology that’s just a bad idea on its face. So, you’re going to say, “Is this tech safe for our family in this season, with the kids we’ve got, with the work we’re going through, with the accountability we have built in, does this make sense?”

Safety involves a device that does not have internet service. Meaning, it doesn’t have a browser and it doesn’t have apps. It’s going to be tool tech, so it’s driven by you for a goal. So, “I want to write a paper,” Word can help you do that. “I want a 3D design something,” AutoCAD can help you do that. “I want to make a game,” Unity can do that. Whatever your system is, it doesn’t have any engagement hooks built into it.

Engagement hooks would be like, “Oh, I want to learn a language, so I’m going to use Duolingo.” Well, Duolingo has some hooks involved. It’s wonderful for learning a language, especially because those hooks help you get the reps you need, the repetition you need to learn that language well. Okay, great. We’re going to recognize that there are hooks, that is not tool tech. It is drool tech that happens to be oriented towards a goal that we want, but it has goals of its own. It has engagement. There’s a reason I keep getting notifications from Duolingo, because my kids want to use it for learning Spanish, but it sends me notifications, it sends them regular updates, it sets little goals that says, “Hey, for the next 15 minutes your points triple.”

Well, guess what? If I only gave them 10 minutes, they’re going to want to go all 15. That is the app fighting the decision that dad already laid down beforehand, before they agreed to it. So, that’s how we know that that’s drool tech. It needs to be drool tech, no apps, no internet, and has accountability built in. That’s the safest tech there is.

So, if we look at something like a smart TV, we go, “Hey, should we add this to our family?” Well, it’s certainly not tool tech. It’s sending you all sorts of suggestions on what you should use. It has a web browser, especially if it’s a smart TV. I mean, if we’re talking like an old tube TV, okay, I’ll allow that. But modern TVs, where you can buy a 50-inch from Costco for $300, okay, that thing’s going to come with a browser on it. It’s going to come with algorithms built into it, because if you go to YouTube or if you go to Netflix or you go to any viewing site that’s just hard-wired into it, it’s going to give you suggestions of shows.

Yes, there’s parental controls. Yes, there are things you can do to help that. But just know that the device itself is not tool tech. It can be dumbed down to the point where it’s nearly tool tech, like my smartphone that’s sitting on the desk here next to me. It’s not tool tech, but mine is pretty tool tech. It’s pretty unexciting. There’s a YouTube video on us installing, on Anna’s phone, Covenant Eyes. You can watch that if you want to know how to install it and how to set up screen time. There’s another video on that that’s off my phone. And you’ll see what that thing looks like. It’s not exciting, but at its core, it’s still drool tech. I’ve just set up lots of boundaries around it to help it be as dumb as possible because that’s all I need and that’s what I want. It’s just hard to get a high functioning dumb tech, basically, sometimes.

So, safe tech is the first thing we’re looking at. If you’ve said, “Yes, this tech, even with its quirks and qualms is still safe for our family.” So my example, I have drool tech smartphone, but we’ve locked it in with screen time, with Covenant Eyes accountability, and all the social media I use is through a browser. I don’t have any individual apps, which means everything I use is now accountable. I use Safari, Covenant Eyes communicates with two allies. They can stay in regular communication with me, not to catch me doing things wrong, but so I always know I’m not the only one seeing this information, and that’s such a blessing. It helps me also preemptively confess. If I know my head is going somewhere I don’t want it to go, I want to live rightly, so confession is perfectly reasonable to do. Preemptively said, “Hey, I haven’t been controlling my thoughts recently or my thoughts are running away on me. I want to confess that to you. I want you to pray with me and let’s move back forward knowing my device is safe and accountable.”

That’s our first. That goes with the platforms you bring in, with your Nintendo Switch, your Xbox, your PlayStation, with your PCs and personal computers, Apple devices, with your wearables, with your TVs that go on the wall, with any other device that enters your house, your living rooms, your kitchen, your bedrooms, you need to know if it’s safe.

The second thing you need to know when we’re talking about that is the fit. “Is this a good fit for our family?” This goes with safety because there’s some times where if you have a 14, 16, 18-year-old, there might be some tech you’d allow, but if you have a four, eight, 14-year-old, that might be different. The 14-year-old, it would be fine, but remember, you have a 4-year-old in your house. It doesn’t mean the standard always stays the same.

Again, we’re 10, eight, and going to be five. And our going to be 5-year-old has seen a lot of stuff that the 8-year-olds weren’t allowed to see. Just like Star Wars, she’s seen so much more Star Wars than the boys had seen at this point in their lives. She has just witnessed a lot of older… And even the second Mary Poppins, she’s seen that, and that would probably have been terrifying for the boys. Kung Fu Panda, terrifying for the boys at that age. She’s fine with it because she’s just seen a lot more media.

That’s what we want to be intentional with though. When we talk about, “Is this a good fit for our family right now?” It’s safe. There’s nothing wrong with it, but is it a good fit for the stage of life we’re at. The first thing we can look at though is the moral aspect of that. I like to use Philippians 4:8 on this, and I’m just going to read it because I like it so much. Philippians 4:8 says, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there’s any excellence, if there’s anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” And that is our standard.

So when we go, “All right, it is safe though, we’ve got it.” Then we go, “Is it morally acceptable for our family? There’s nothing designed in it that’s going to be unsafe, that’s going to hook our attention and take us to a distraction, but is it a good decision for our family right now based on where we’re at morally?” True, honorable, just and pure.

There are board games. They have no hooks built in. They are not going to overstimulate you or take you to some nefarious part of the internet or whatever. There’s no accountability needed. But there are games where my boys go, “Hey, can we buy this?” “You know what? “Let’s look at it. Let’s flip through some pages. Let’s watch some gameplay online. Let’s talk to a friend. Let’s read a review.” And there’s some games where you go, “You know what? That’s not a good fit for us.” Either just age appropriateness, “All right, it’s too old.” Or maybe thematically, it’s a little intense. It’s not morally wrong, but there are some that are morally wrong. There are some games where we don’t play them, even very popular games.

There’s a couple of games that are kind of cornerstones of how game shops stay in business, and we’ve decided, “You know what? Based on what we understand on the Bible and what God tells us about his Holy Spirit and the powers of this universe that drive us for life and those things that bring death, these games celebrate the things that bring death. They celebrate you trying to control the universe under your own power of using the elements of this world to hold sway and make your kingdom come. And you know what? It’s not close enough to just be an imagination.”

I’m cool with Jedi powers because power of imagination, like, “All right, fine.” There’s some games that for me step over a line. And then talking with friends, there are people who are even more sensitive than me, specifically because of their own experiences or experiences with their family. Anyone I know who has come out of the occult, they typically are not comfortable.

We hear, when Paul is talking about eating meat sacrifice to idols, and he says, “Don’t eat it in front of someone who feels like that’s a sin, because you’re causing them to sin.” The idea there is they’ve been to those events. They know what went on in the worship of that idol, where this meat was sacrificed and you eating that is going to cause them to stumble. It’s going to cause them either great grief, just for themselves. Or to actually go, “You know what? Maybe I am fine,” even though they know in their hearts that that’s [inaudible 00:11:32] and something they’ve already done. They’ve been in that dark world, worshiping the spirits of this world, and for them to enter that space again is not helpful. It’s not something they can do with joy and freedom. It brings bondage and it makes sin resurface. For them, that’s wrong. It’s sinning against their conscience.

For people with some games, even board games, some of them are just too far. It’s just too close to dangerous stuff that I’ve been involved in that was sinful for me and I need to not do it. And for my life, that’s true with board games. There are some games that are too close to my escapism of video games. And even though I’m not going to get overstimulated playing a board game, there’s some games we just don’t play. Maybe they’re okay for some people, but in my family, I have to address that morally. And Philippians 4:8 helps me have those talking points. When I go to my kids and go, “You know what? It’s just not excellent guys. Here’s what this game celebrates.”

There’s one particular game, my boys go, and they’re like, “Can we play this? We love the storyline, we love the models, we love the way the game plays. It just looks amazing.” “Here’s the deal, guys. There’s no one good in this game. There’s not a single unit or group you can be who is the good guys. I’m okay, I’ve gotten to a spot in my brain where you can have Axis and Allies, and maybe this time the Axis wins. At least we know there was some history we can talk through, whether that’s actually an outcome we want, but I don’t have a moral qualm with someone playing the bad guys, as it were. But in this game, no one’s good. Read the story on each individual and their motivations. I don’t want any of these people to win. I’m not going to let you spend hours investing in a world where really I want the entire world to disappear. No one in that world should be introduced to anything else, including our hearts and minds.” That’s what you’re trying to do here when you’re talking about fit.

The second thing you’re going to look at is the trustworthiness of this child. So, maybe there’s nothing morally wrong with the game or with the show or with the music or whatever, or maybe there is some moral qualm there, but this kid’s old enough or mature enough or is processing that in real time and this is helping that conversation, whatever your landing point is on that, that’s great. We want to talk about, “Mom or dad, can I have this thing?” Morally, not a problem, but is this a good fit for you? This is specifically coming down to trust.

Actually before trust, let’s talk about just the idea of the item you’re giving. Luke 11:11 says, “What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion?” And I love this. Your kid comes, says, “Mom or dad, I want a smartphone.” And you go, “Man, I love giving my kids smartphones. I want to give you one son or daughter of mine.” And you look at that phone and go, “But wait, is this thing actually an egg? Is this going to increase your strength? Is this going to help you grow healthfully? Is this going to make you more of who God’s designed you to be? Or it’s just going to sting you and is it going to cause pain to you and to the people around you?” That is a question we have to address when looking at how the tech is built and the fit for this child.

The initial parent said, “I want to raise my child to be successful in this tech world.” Absolutely, safe tech, that’s a good fit in this season, meets a moral standard, Philippians 4:8 style with our family, and is an egg. It’s going to bear good fruit, and that is in tandem with the last piece. When talk about bearing good fruit, so is this child trustworthy? That was actually the initial piece.

So, saying if our child is faithful in little, they’ll be faithful with much. That first piece of like, “Are you faithful in how you handle your siblings, your relationship with mom and dad? Can I trust you to come with me and if I ask you a straight question, you’re going to give me a straight answer? Are you showing faithfulness in your reset, that you are handling your relationships well, your responsibilities? You’re emotionally at least communicative and open? Not everyone’s stable at every stage of life, but you are well enough to be trusted with more responsibility. Your sleep is solid, your enjoyment is set on things that are Philippians 4:8 appropriate, and your time is managed and you are content. I can watch you use your tech and then walk away without it defining you. It just describes part of your day, you use it because it’s nice, not because you need it.” That’s great.

That’s the first part we’re talking about, with your faithful in little things, so I can trust you with a little more. “Sure, you hang out with your friends well in real life, I can let you go to a digital space and do that. What’s that? You’re enjoying this adventure in real life, through games and through playing outside and through being around others, that’s great. You can do that in a digital space.”

If you cannot control it in real life, if you can’t manage it, if you can’t navigate the complications of real life fun and friendships and distraction, there’s very, very little chance you’re going to do better in a digital space, where it comes faster, where it’s more ubiquitous. It’s just one tab over from the most focused you’ve ever been to the most distracted you’ve ever been. That’s very hard if a brain is not ready for that, if a person’s not emotionally ready for that. So, that’s the next piece.

And then, this piece on, “Finally, is it a good fit based on the fruit that it produces?” So in this last piece, we have safety, and then we have fit for a family, and then we have the fruit. What fruit does this thing create? And when we’re talking about that, that’s really where I want to go with Galatians 5:19-22, but really 22, “But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, self-control. Against such things, there is no law.”

When talking about, earlier, when Jesus was asked, “What’s the greatest commandment?” He says, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength.” Then he adds, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” He later gives his new commandment, and John 14, might be the end of 13, 13 or 14 where he says, “A new commandment I give you, love one another.” And he goes on to say that, “You’re going to love one another because you love me and you’re going to love me so that your joy can be complete. It’s going to be overflowing, it’s going to be completely topped up, and you will not need anything. You won’t lack anything. You’re going to have the Holy Spirit making you new. And you’re going to have joy in relationships, joy even in trial, joy in seeing God’s kingdom come and His will be done and joy in helping other people do the same. You’re going to love God with all you are and love other people because of it.”

Well, in light of that, we have these fruit that come. Joy is one of them. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, this is what comes out of us when we’re connected to the branches. Jesus says in John 15, “I’m the vine. You are the branches. Apart from me, you can do nothing, but those who are connected to me will bear much fruit, and the father will prune them. And those who bear no fruit are thrown out and cast into the fire.” That’s what we do with branches that don’t bear fruit. There’s not a lot of function in them. You can’t use them structurally. They’re good for heating you up on a cold winter night or cooking food over, but that’s about it.

When we have this picture then of what fruit does it produce, reset again is a beautiful spot to start. You look at your child’s life and they go, “Mom or dad, I really want a smartphone,” but they’re 12. 12 is too early for a smartphone. But you might say, “You know what? You’re so faithful and this is such a good fit for our family, I’m going to give you the safest device I can. I’m going to go with a Gabb phone, no internet, no app store, no ability to commit atrocities against humankind or yourself. This is an egg. You’ve asked for it. It’s earlier than I’d like, but you know what? It fits our family and I want to give you an egg. So, here you go.” Cool.

Maybe that child at 13 or 14 has earned the opportunity in their own select sports or whatever it might be that’s drawing them a little bit outside the family purview all the time and instead putting in the care of others. And you go, “You know what? Your team communicates all the time through WhatsApp. So, here’s a Bark phone.” Now, it defaults to safety. It’s basically a Gabb phone at ground zero, but then I can open up using the parental app just WhatsApp, not every app that’s eight and under, like you would have to on an iPhone, where you can lock them down just by categories. But I can actually say, “This one app, it’s the one you get to use because you’ve been faithful and I love you and I want you to be helpful, but also have opportunities.” Great. Now, that’s going to be a great chance for them to show continued faithfulness. It still has the Bark software hard baked into it. It’s part of the operating system, so you’ll get updates if and when people message them unkind things or they message them to others. You’ll get that follow follow-up opportunity.

And then, when they’re older than 15 and they’ve asked for it, they said, “Mom or dad, I want a smartphone.” You can deliver a device that allows them to begin to show responsibility in growing layers out into the world of apps and social media and video games and streaming services. Again, Bark lets you do it one app at a time. I’m a very big fan of that. It’s relational, it’s communicative, and if something goes sideways, you can shut it down immediately from work. You could get an update that said, “Steve asks your kid if she can keep a secret and says he can’t believe that she’s 10. She’s so pretty. He thought for sure she was older.” You can go hard stop, phone shuts down. You can only do emergency calls, but your social media is cut off, and then we’re going to talk about this. Whatever it might be, those options are available on the Bark phone.

I don’t encourage that for simply policing your child’s life and trying to ruin it, but in a situation where trust is the bedrock of how you’re allowing your child in this space. You’ve earned the right to be in that, and now this is a safety thing. Like, “Whoa, I’ve got all sorts of red flags. I don’t want to wait until tomorrow to talk this out. I’m just going to shut you down now.” I’ll send you a text, say, “I love you a lot. We’re going to have to talk about this.” Hard stop. That’s a great resource when it comes to being safe and having tech that supports the growing of good fruit.

Then, when it’s been talked out and you’ve said, “Yes, this is still a net win. Here’s how we stay safe from unhealthy strangers.” Here’s how the conversation, “I’m so proud of you for dealing with that person well,” or, “You know what? I’m concerned about that. So, maybe that app’s going to go away for now, but the device doesn’t go away and the relationship doesn’t go away.” Or if the device does go away, it’s not because you’re mad, it’s because it’s proven unsafe.

Here is what I want to say, that when we talk about how do we send our kids out into the tech world well, how do we raise them up to be successful with tech, we make sure that they have tech that’s safe at each stage that makes sense for them. At whatever age they might be, that we then use tech that produces, or at least that is a good fit for them. That it’s going to be a good fit morally, that they’re going to be shown as trustworthy in that process, and that it’s going to produce good fruit.

At the end of the day, that this fruit that they are producing is going to be in line with the fruit of the spirit. And when it’s not, it doesn’t mean we just throw the tech away. It simply means that we address it in love and conversation and help them figure it out, because when they’re 18 and they run off on their own, we want them to know more than how to avoid bad things, but instead how to use this tech purposefully.

And if at any point that tech strays from being purposeful, they can self-assess and go, “You know what? It’s not helping me with my reset. It’s not helping me with my own goals and with my purpose in Christ. It’s not helping me abide in Christ. So, I’m going to get rid of it.” That’s the end goal, that they will pick up their own tech that is good, and they’ll drop all the tech that’s not. And in between, we can be there to support and encourage them and raise them up in the way they should go until they’re off on their own, taking their tech between them and Jesus at that point.

So, I hope this is encouraging. I hope you can hear in this how we can use tech really well and how it can be a blessing and how you can apply that to your own kids. Again, six year olds with the shows and the tech and the games that they play, and 16 year olds with the devices they begin to take on for themselves and the worlds that they want to enter that you can help them discern, “You know what? Is that the right one that we should be using? Or is there another way we should do this? Is that something we should avoid altogether? Or is it just a season where this still might be too early based on relationships and trust and other areas of health?”

So, I hope this is encouraging. If you have any questions, please reach out [email protected] or find us on Instagram or Facebook or now YouTube at @lovegodusetech, and join us next time as we continue this conversation about how we can love God and use tech.