As a kid Brant was afraid of God. That fear shaped how he felt about himself and he wondered if he was ever enough. He lived in perpetual fright. Everything changed when he traded in fear for peace.
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Brant Hansen: I’ve never been good at memorizing scripture, but I’m getting better at it now. Actually, want to memorize scripture now, before it was out of fear. Now it’s because it brings peace. People can tell you stuff, but if you have it memorized, if it’s in my head, I can walk around and keep repeating this to me. But like one of them is from Psalms 143:8, it says, cause me to hear, thy loving kindness in the morning, for in thee I put my trust. That goes through my head. So I start the day, I’m having that conversation, like reciting that scripture back to him. Like, remind me that you still love me and remind me that your mercies are new every morning. And then it’s good.
Narrator: We’ve all experienced it. You run into a friend from the past, but there’s something different. They are changed. Maybe there is a calm where there once was a storm. Maybe there is gentleness instead of harshness. There’s a new passion, a new life. What changed?
Welcome to Brought Back to Life, a podcast where we explore stories of ordinary transformation.
Brant Hansen: Hey, my name is Brant Hansen, and I now believe, it took me a long time, but I now believe that God is actually good, and I don’t need to be scared of anything. So, when I was a kid, I was raised in churches in, it was a weird time, it’s only some people of a certain age will remember this, but they used to get movies at churches, like Christian movies, and they would show him on a projector, a projector. I don’t have time to explain all of this to everybody, but a projector had like film on it, actual film and you’d thread it through the thing. Anyway, they get us all together. They make popcorn and then they would show the most frightening, uh, movies to us as kids, and it would be about Jesus stuff and it freaked me out. It was, I remember one in particular was called a thief in the night and anybody who’s seen it is aware of it because you don’t forget it. I don’t even think it was that long, but it was harrowing. And the reason was, the show was about how Jesus was going to come back and the good Christians would be raptured. They’d be taken away and just disappear all of a sudden. And as a kid, you’re always wondering, anyway, am I good enough? I mean, does God really love me? Cause he, he always seemed really scary to me. And part of it is in my own family situation. My dad was a very big man. Still is a big man with a very big voice, like a Johnny Cash type, even play the piano or the guitar just like Johnny Cash.
But he was bigger than Johnny Cash, but a big commanding voice. And he was the pastor, and his voice would boom. And it was about the Bible, and it was about Jesus coming back and don’t be left behind. And this movie was all about being left behind. And so, people would just disappear. Like there was one guy who loved his wife a lot, but I guess he wasn’t a believer and no, he was his wife wasn’t she woke up and she heard his razor, and she ran in to where his electric razor was plugged into the bathroom and it was just running.
He was gone. And there were other people like they’re mowing the lawn or whatever, the lawn mower still going, the push mower, but the person’s disappeared. And that stuck with me so much. I’m like, I don’t know if God loves me and he’s going to, I don’t know if I’m a good enough guy. Like, am I at my good Christian? I don’t know. And what if my mom just disappears? She was kind of the rock of life. Like we went through divorces and stuff and, uh, I was in perpetual fright that mom would have the radio on or something in the kitchen, and when I’d walk in the kitchen and she wasn’t there, like maybe she stepped out to go outside or in the garage or something, I’m like, that’s, it I’m left behind. I’m isolated forever. I’ve blown it. And that was always on my mind. I was always scared, always frightened. In addition to just the fright of being a kid in a, in a traumatic household that was violent and whatnot, and I don’t know, it’s interesting cause I talked to a counselor about it recently. I had never really done counseling until recently, but I was mentioning to him how I feel silly about some stuff that I feel cause that’s when you’re a kid. Right? So like that was a relatively long time ago. And it was a relatively short time when you’re a kid, like, what was that? Like, shouldn’t be defining the rest of my life. But he said, nah, it’s not just that. Like he said, think about like little ducklings and how they imprint on their moms so quickly.
And that’s, that’s normal in the animal kingdom. It’s normal for humans. This is important. And when you’re so scared, it’s an issue. And when people are scared as kids, and when people are scared of God and associate him with judgment only, and a booming voice and people disappearing, their loved ones would be gone and there’ll be left behind, like that’s pretty harrowing. In addition to that, if you’re ever a certain age, I was just telling my daughter about this because she stumbled across some music from the eighties that was about nuclear war, and I said, I thought about that every day. Like that was, I was obsessed with it as a kid. I thought we’re going to have; I’m going to look up in the sky and I’m going to see missiles against the sky coming and that’ll be it. And it will be it for my family and we’re gone. And they used to have shows on about it. Like the day after was one movie on TV, about it back in the eighties, there was another show called threads. It was about living, and living through a nuclear war, and people dying of radiation. It was awful. But as a kid, you absorbed it.
And I thought about it all the time. And I would study up on Russia, and I was studying up on prophecy and I would read books about the end times, and I’m 10 years old and I associated God with fear. So, when I finally decided, Hey, I need to be baptized or what I got to make sure I do whatever I need to do, I was, I think I was 12 by then. And I was just, abjectly scared of hell at that point. Like I’m going to be thrown hell. So, it takes a lot of unwinding and, and I hope it’s helpful to talk about this because I know a lot of people are scared of God, and having grown up scared of God, it takes a while to reorient to the truth about who God really is, and that he’s actually good. So, I learned, and I’m still learning and I’m excited to still be learning that God actually wants to be with me. He wants to be with me, but it took some experience, and a couple of the experiences I’ll share this because this is again, I’m a pretty skeptical guy, but I’d remember, I remember two prayers in particular, and I’ve talked about these on the air before, but one of them was when I was a kid, I was about 12 and my mom and dad were divorced at that point. They got remarried and then divorced again. But at that point we lived in this very tiny house, and I was in a bunk bed, with my brother above me and I was desperately lonely. And we lived in assumption, Illinois, which is this tiny town, and nobody moves to assumption Illinois. Like no one. It’s only for people who already live like, no one’s going there.
It’s, it’s a thousand people. It’s 30 miles from the movie theater. It’s 30 miles from the venture store or whatever we had at the time. Like a department store, nobody moves. But I was desperately lonely, and I remember actually crying out to God from my bunk, actually crying out to God, please send me a friend. And nobody moves to assumption, so that’s not happening. Except the next day a guy showed up at, literally practice. This is my last year a little league and his name was Robbie and I guess what had happened is his dad was put in jail and his mom was in assumption. And so, he moved in with her, or, I can’t remember all this stuff that happened, but it was out of nowhere.
And he would say, now that he was on the spectrum, I’m on the autism spectrum. He would say he’s on the spectrum now, although he was never diagnosed, completely obsessed with baseball statistics. Like I was an extremely intelligent and all he wanted to talk about was baseball stuff. And I’m telling you, nobody moves into assumption, Illinois and out of nowhere comes this guy the next day, after a 12-year-old cried at a bunk bed, and he shows up, he was my best friend for through graduation in high school. And we still, I texted him. Yes. We still text back and forth. He became the principal of our high school and the basketball coach and all that sort of stuff. He’s, he’s a great guy. He fills in as, uh, he actually preaches. It’s amazing. Like, so he actually fills in and preaches at the country church, we went through together, but that was a response to a desperate prayer.
And one other story I want to tell, because I love telling this story too. As an adult, desperately sarcastically praying for a second car, because we didn’t have one, and sarcastically asking for a convertible one day. This is when our kids were little, and we needed another vehicle. We couldn’t afford it. And before the end of the day, I had out loud prayed for a convertible, which is ridiculous. And I was doing it and laughing as I was jogging because I saw some guy drive by in a Jeep with his boy in it and it looked great with a top off. And this is in Florida. Like, man, it’d be great to have a convertible. So yeah, God, while you’re giving me a car, make it a convertible. Theologically, I don’t even, I wouldn’t even recommend people pray like that. It was a joke. And before the end of the day, somebody gave us a convertible out of nowhere. We had just moved to Florida. This makes no sense to me to this day, but long story short, um, I was driving home after somebody we had just met, said, hey, I feel like God wants us to give you a car. Do you mind if it’s a convertible? I’m not kidding. I drove that infinity home on 95 in shock and woke up the kids, weren’t quite asleep, but I walked upstairs, and they were in their bunk beds, and I said, I got to tell you a story. You know how we need another car really bad. I prayed for one today and I prayed for a convertible.
I want you guys to come outside and look at this. And so, in their pajamas, they came downstairs, and my wife came outside with me and we went for a ride with a top-down in the Florida night. And they still remember that vividly, but I wanted them to know like, wait, God heard me making a joke. And he’s so good, he decided to freak me out. Again, I’m a, I’m a skeptical person. I don’t know where to put that, except to say it you cannot reduce God to a formula, cause he’s a personality. He’s a person and we’re made in his image. But so, he’s not like a computer you just type in, I want a car. I want a convertible. And hey, maybe if I’m out jogging, you’ll give me your comfortable, like you did to Brant, but that’s not how he works. Like, but he’s good. And so I have to go back over these stories because when I do default to maybe I’m scared of God a little bit, I go back, remind myself, wait, he’s been good to me. What explains that mercy on a, on a 12-year-old who’s crying out, or a, or a 30 something who doesn’t have a second car and he needs one really bad. To do something like that is amazing.
So, I go back over those stories, and it reminds me that he’s good. I’m also convinced now that his opinion of me is very different from my own opinion. Like, being scared about not being a good enough person. Well, apparently God knows me better than I know myself. And he still wants to be with me. And the same thing is true,
of course, if anybody listening to this. Like he still wants to be with you, and he knows you better than he know yourself. Like we can, we can go back and forth over our failings and think, well, he can’t possibly really love me, you know, because of this or that. Like that’s, that’s not true. And he knows you better than, you know yourself and finds you very valuable. That is something I’m continuing to have to go over in my head. Also, I see his kindness on a daily basis, like his loving kindness in scripture, that’s how he’s described Genesis to revelation. Like his loyalty to me, to us. So I’ve been trying to memorize a certain scripture and it’s in Psalms. I’ve never been good at memorizing scripture, but I’m getting better at it. I actually want to memorize scripture now, before it was out of fear. Now it’s because it brings peace. People can tell you stuff, but if you have it memorized, if it’s in my head, I can walk around and keep repeating this to me. But like one of them is from Psalms 143:8, it says, cause me to hear thy loving kindness in the morning, for in thee, I put my trust. And I love that. Cause me to hear again your loyalty, your loving kindness to me every morning. So that goes through my head. So, I start the day I’m having that conversation, like reciting that scripture back to him. Like, remind me that you still love me and remind me that your mercies are new every morning and that it’s good.
And I’m learning too that he wants to partner with me in my work. And that’s what he was looking for when he picked Abraham. Just by learning some of the Bible stories or relearning. Seeing how good he is that he picked Abraham because Abraham was a loyal guy and was a very hospitable guy. And he picked Abraham and his family and wanted partners to do his work and build his kingdom on earth as it is in heaven.
So, I’m amazed that we can be partners with God. I’d never thought about it that way before. I guess I always thought that would be too flippant. I am, God’s partnering with me and my job. Like, it sounds like I got I’m in charge here. That’s not what it is. It’s more like a, it’s a partnership and it’s not flippant. It’s beautiful. I mean, he’s also describing himself as my friend in scripture. That could sound flippant, but his friend? Like, that’s amazing. He wants to be my partner and my friend. So, I have to go back over that in my head. And again, I’m unlearning all this fear. It takes a long time sometimes for other people it’s maybe more instant, but for me, it’s so deep seated. It’s difficult.
I’ve also seen, and this is kind of weird too, but I have a thing for science, and seeing God’s goodness and joy of creation through creation. I was just talking about this with my friend Sherri today, the, and I know most people aren’t necessarily interested in this unless you’re really into math, but I was just thinking about the the Fibonacci sequence and how these numbers are reflected all the way through nature. These, these proportions, and I won’t get into all of it right now, but you can look it up. Like there are certain design principles that God uses in everything. From the spirals of the galaxies to hurricanes, to shells, all those spirals, to DNA helix at the microscopic level or sub microscopic, to the way a bees anatomy works, to the way the human face looks. It’s the same, like this, the same math keeps coming up. It’s the same thing as the same mathematical sequence, the same proportion. And you can, you know, people are familiar with the golden ratio perhaps, but he’s an amazing artist.
It’s in music too. It’s all over music, anything that’s beautiful. Practical. You can, you can reduce it to math and see these patterns. There’s no explanation for that, other than the God’s good. It doesn’t have to be this way. It doesn’t have to be this ordered. He doesn’t have to bless me like this. He’s so good. And I remember reading CS Lewis, talking about how good he is, and that every pleasure we have is just like a, a drop of water. Like it’s just to a drop like that most intense pleasure that you can feel on this planet is just a drop of water that’s downstream, maybe it’s come all the way down. From a mountain and filter down and now we get this drop in. It’s almost overwhelming with beauty. Maybe you’ve been so struck by beauty or, you know, whether it’s a poem or a, or a painting or a landscape that you can see you open your eyes, or something you feel like there’s so much beauty or person or an experience with, with a person like all of that.
He’s like, that’s just a drop. Imagine sticking your face in the fire hose or the Fountainhead at the top of all that. That’s, God can’t even do that. So we’re not even ready for that yet, but that was the way CS Lewis described it. He’s like, well, he did a lot better job. It’s just, it’s coming at us. And it’s hard to deny. I don’t know how to deny the goodness of God when I, when I just allow myself to open my eyes. And instead of being fearful of that, like, well, he didn’t have to make things so beautiful. He didn’t have to give us music. He didn’t have to use such order. He didn’t have to use such creativity. We now, we’ve got the best telescopes, you know, in the history of man, and we’re deploying them and we’re just seeing more and more unspeakable, beauty and unspeakable, that we’re just seeing more and more and you do, it goes the other way, the microscopic level too, like why he doesn’t have to be that way. But it actually says in scripture that we can see his, his real nature, says enrollments, why we can actually see his real nature and what has been made.
And I believe that, and I think that has to include goodness. He didn’t have to make it so beautiful. And I just, I just finished reading a novel yesterday and the protagonist was saying something about, he was arguing with people about God, they were wondering why he believed in God, it’s a historical fictional novel, but it’s so good. And he was a professor of aesthetics in Italy, but he said, I can not believe in God. And I don’t even have to argue for him. I don’t even argue because it’s like standing on a beach and being whipped by the wind, and our hair is going back, and we can feel it. And it’s, you know, being buffeted by this oncoming storm, looking at the ocean and then debating, is there really such a thing as wind? It’s so obvious you have to talk yourself out of it. And I think part of that, I don’t want to talk myself out of it. I want to enjoy this beauty. And this goodness. Um, each day of it, I don’t want to be fearful anymore. And when I’m reading the stories about Jesus telling the disciples, you know, he’s taking them across the lake, in his, or in the, in boats and they’re hit by that storm, and Jesus is disappointed that they’re fearful. He’s genuinely disappointed, I think because it’s like, you never have to worry about anything in this world. You don’t. Ever. If the worst-case scenario is God works it out. The worst case, even if the ship sunk, even if you drowned, you’re fine. And that’s a weird thing to think about, but I’ve had older Christians tell me that and I could never get my head around it, but now I’m starting to. Like this world, Dallas Willard’s there, this, he said, this world is a perfectly safe place for us to be. And I never knew that, but I’m learning it. And that is a wonderful place to be after so many years of fear.
I’ve also learned that I know I was a sinner. I’ve always known that, but I’ve also learned what sin really means. Like the word, the Hebrew word, Qatar, and in the Old Testament, for instance. It means to fall short of the destination or miss the destination. And the destination is loving God and loving people in a way that honors his image. And we fall short of loving him, and loving others, in a way that honors his image. And that makes sense to me too. As a part of his goodness, like he wants us to love people and love him in a way that’s true and good and beautiful, and we’ve all fallen short of it, and he’s so good, he’s continuing to pursue us anyway. That blows me away. And if I, if I fear him, if I’m in awe of him and I fear him, then nothing else, I don’t need to be scared of anything else. And that can sound like a platitude, but honestly, I’m there. I think, I don’t think I’m, I’m very scared of much anymore. That’s different.
It’s funny speaking about fear. So I’m getting older and I know this because it’s official, I’m having a grandchild in April. We are, and we’re excited about it. It’s a girl we’re amped. I can’t wait, but like, whoa, whoa, grandpa. I’m 52. Um, my hair is getting gray rapidly, which is cool, because I want to look like Gandalf someday. So that’s, that’s a long-term project that I have. But I was at the haircut place a couple of days ago and there was a younger lady who was cutting my hair, she’s maybe 25 or 30, and she actually said, wow, you’ve got a lot of hair still. And I was like, I started to say, Hey. What do you mean still? What kind of crack is that? But I’m like, no, I laughed it off. Cause I’m like, well, I’m going to be a grandfather. So, I guess I’ll get that kind of stuff. And that’s good. Used to be though, I was afraid of mortality in a way like, oh no, I can’t imagine not being on this. Like what if I died? What if, and that’s totally normal and it’s totally human. But you know, what’s really awesome is I’m not afraid of that anymore either. I’m not afraid of getting old. I’m not afraid of dying. And I don’t know that 20 years ago I would have believed me if I heard myself say that, but I’m looking forward to stuff.
It’s not like I’m not looking forward to that, but nah, I’m good with it. And you know, what’s wild too. I want to make sure that my granddaughter and hopefully future grandchildren, other grandchildren that come along, uh, experience a grandpa who is a whole lot of fun and a blessing able to focus on them instead of being worried about stuff. And I think we’re on a good trajectory for that. I remarkable thing though, at the end of life, and I’m not at the end of life maybe, but where I am now compared to where it was, I started this story talking about how scared I was as a kid, just, oh, didn’t even want to look out the window. I was afraid trumpets would sound, and the sky would unroll, and Jesus would come down and freak out, freak everybody out. And I would be found wanting. I lived in fear of it. And now I want him to come back, and I wouldn’t mind it if it was right now. Um, Sherri and I were joking about that. The other day you grow up, you’re scared one of the, uh, the end of the world. Oh yeah? No, I liked that because he’d said everything. Right. I don’t think we’re setting things right. Without him. And I kinda like, yeah, people have suffered enough. There’s enough suffering and I’ve, I’ve, I’ve done my stuff. I’m good. There are other places I wanted to go, but yeah. I mean heaven again, every other beautiful thing is just a drop, and heaven is drinking out of the fire hose. Like all the pleasure, everything here is just a sign, post, a little indicator. And I am convinced of that because God is so good, he can’t even back up the truck of goodness on us fully right now, because it would just vaporize us. Like we can’t handle it. But he’s changing us so that we can, and I am ready for that.
Narrator: We are telling these stories of transformation so you can know and understand the power of Jesus in your own life. If you’d like to learn more about Jesus and how he can bring you back to life, visit us at onpurposely.com/whoisJesus. You can follow Brought Back to Life on apple podcasts, I heart radio, or anywhere you’re listening right now. Thanks for listening to Brought Back to Life from Purposely.
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