Chosen Family with Shay Youngblood

After losing her mother when she was a young child, Shay Youngblood found herself being raised within an extended family made up of other moms, family friends, aunts, and her grandparents. Her experience taught her early the value of chosen family. She joins The AllMomDoes Podcast host Julie Lyles Carr for a powerful conversation about how we build family, why even if our family is intact we should still intentionally add people to our family circle, and how simple things make a big difference when we’re willing to invest in the people in our community.

Show Notes:

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Transcription:

Julie [00:00:15] What do you do when you find that as much as you want to build a really beautiful extended family for your family, for your kids, there might be some gaps. I have a phenomenal person on today who’s going to talk us through just that. And she even has some content that I’m so thrilled about, which actually helps you talk to your kids about what it means to intentionally build family. I’m Julie Lyles Carr. This is the AllMomDoes podcast, and we’re in a series right now that we’re calling the In-laws and the Outlaws. And it’s all about how we build family around us. Can’t think of a better person to talk us through this. Shay Youngblood, thanks so much for being with me today.

Shay [00:00:54] Oh, thank you, Julie. I’m excited to be here.

Julie [00:00:57] It’s so great to have you. So one of the things that I love to do at the top of every episode is give my guest an opportunity to tell the listener who they are, what they love to do in the world where they live cats, dogs, hamsters, whatever you got. So fill us in. Tell us a little bit about Shay.

Shay [00:01:15] I am a writer of all kinds of things I really enjoy creating. I’ve challenged myself to write novels, plays, radio dramas and my latest effort, children’s books. I kind of fell into it and I’m excited about it. I live in Atlanta, No pets, but I have a lot of beautiful plants over COVID. I kept some things alive, so I thought maybe I could do this. And you mentioned this idea of chosen family. And when I was about three years old, my birth mother died. And I was raised by a wonderful community of mostly older women who are in their fifties and sixties when I was born. And as an only child, I grew up sort of with this generation children were to be seen and not heard. And so in a Christian home, we went to church probably two or three times a week. And I was really just surrounded by a lot of love by women who were blood related and women who were not. You know, the the pastor’s wife was one of my big mamas, the lady who ran the candy store, one of my big mommas and what a big mama is, is someone who looks after you. They make sure you have the correct Bible scripture that makes sure if it’s raining, you have an umbrella. They make sure that if you’re crying, that they have a handkerchief to wipe your tears. And it was a really wonderful upbringing for me. I was very prayerful as a child. I really wanted my young, beautiful mother to come back to life. And I believe that it could happen. I really believe that every night I prayed on my knees for my mother to come back. But something happened. Once I got older, I realized how lucky I was to have so many wonderful mothers, so many different perspectives in my life. So I just feel, you know, I have always felt truly blessed by having this circle of people. So, you know, I didn’t have just one person looking after me. I had an entire community. And I think it was really wonderful for me.

Julie [00:03:24] It’s incredible to hear how your community stepped in and, you know, not trying to replace or completely fill what was lost. But at the same time, that sense of being willing to take responsibility for a child in the community who needs that kind of guidance and care and love, I don’t know Shay, I feel in some ways we’ve lost some of that in today’s culture. I think some of it might have to do with. Sure. I mean, there are those stories out there and I have those experiences, too. Maybe you did where somebody would come and interfere a little bit in a way that they shouldn’t have, might have come in with some judgmental language or had something to say either in the faith space or in school that was not fair, was not whatever. And I think a lot of us then have tended away to say, “Hey, that’s my kid, that’s my business, that’s my responsibility. Don’t get in the way of that.” However, it does concern me that maybe we’ve shut the door to the broader way in which a community can really come alongside reinforce the messages were wanting for our kids. Fill the gaps where maybe that’s needed. What do you see? Do you feel like it’s a little bit of a lost art? And if so, how do we begin to open our hearts? And then also, as somebody who may be looking in saying, I see a child in my community who needs someone. Navigating and making sure that we stay in our lane and yet at the same time come into community with them. What do you see in that space?

Shay [00:04:47] Well, I think that at home, when parents are talking to their children and I think there are all kinds of opportunities with books, with movies to sit down and have conversations with your children about what your values are. What our values are as a family. So that when those values are instilled in your child, especially at a young age, no matter who they talk to, no matter where they go. Those are going to be solid and with them. And so I think parents are often afraid that their children will be swayed, will be unduly influenced by other people. But I think if you are building a strong relationship and a strong open communication, then your child can ask you anything. And if someone comes to them and says something that’s different than their family values, then they will have the strength to question whether, you know, to question and also to be strong enough to be solid in the values that you’ve instilled into them. And I think that it is valuable to have a child have all kinds of perspectives, because once they go into the world and they’re an adult, you’re not going to be by their side. You’re not going to be talking into their ear. And so for them to have all these different perspectives from a young age and for them to go into the world, I think they’re going to be okay. Then you can you know, you can kind of relax a little bit. But having, you know, building a community of people helps everyone. I think it helps the whole community.

Julie [00:06:20] Absolutely. What are things when you look back on it and your experience having these big mamas come and having these women come around you and support you, what were some of the most powerful things that you remember? Because there’s the practical, right? I mean, here’s a child and her mom’s gone. So how do we come in and help just support in the practical ways? And those may be the things that really stand out to you. But there are also those intangibles, those places where the little sayings and the idioms and the support and that somebody was even watching that there would be accountability for things like school and things like that. When you look back through your child’s eyes, what do you see there that you think had tremendous impact as a child?

Shay [00:07:03] There were a few things. One was that there was when my mother died, there was a young woman who was a teenager. She was about 16 or 17. And she’d remember my mother pushing me around in a little, you know, in my little cart. And then one day my mother wasn’t around and she asked my grandparents if she could if she could take me and play with me and babysit me and dress me up for Halloween and things like that. But one of the one of the really impactful things that happened with that relationship with the 16 year old is that she took me to the library. She took me to the library every time I asked her. The older ladies, you know, my great grandmother, my great aunt, you know, they were busy. They had things going on. They had arthritis. They couldn’t, you know, get up and get around like, you know, they didn’t have the time. But this young woman made time for me. She took me to the library and she opened up a world for me. And one of my next book says about a young girl who gets her first library card. And Jackie was the one who took me to the library and charged books on my account so that I could read just endlessly. She taught and I read. I was reading before I went to school because I got to spend this extra time with her that my Guardians didn’t have. You know, they didn’t have the energy or the time to do. And so there were other women, too, who taught me things that, let’s say the older ladies, they did not like noise. They did not like listening to loud music. But I could go down to one of my Big Momma’s house and there would be loud music, we’d be dancing, making noise, and then I could come home and be quiet. And I’ve gotten that out of my system. There were times when the older ladies were just not feeling well, you know, they were, you know, they were sick or and so they would send me to somebody else’s house and I would get, you know, different kinds of food. I got exposed to different kinds of different cultures. And so that was, I think, really invaluable for me having that exposure. Also it helped me to be adaptable. So whenever I came into a situation, I felt like I could I could really adjust to being in different environments. And I think often kids will, you know, cling to their mothers and cling to home and be afraid to go and stay with other people. They’re, you know, they’re in their familiar space, but really exposing them to other cultures and other families will give them the opportunity to really be adaptable. And that is something that has really helped me as I’ve moved through life. And we all know that as adults, we have to pivot sometimes really hard pivots. You’re going along and you know, the plans change and you have to really quickly adapt. And I think that was another really valuable offering from the big mamas, too, that they helped me to adjust in that way.

Julie [00:09:57] I love that what you bring up are things that really are pretty simple. Sometimes we look at situations and we think that a complex situation needs a complex answer. And yet to me it feels like in this scenario, yeah, you had a complex situation, but it was the simple things like the library, the simple things like the dance party in the kitchen, down the street to get some of that noise out of the house where you were living. I think we often sometimes can feel like if we’re in the if we’re in the position of knowing there’s someone who needs a little more, who needs a little extra love, we sometimes feel like we have to systematize it, make it some kind of ministry. We’ve got to sign up through some kind of NGO to make that happen. And yet, to me, the beauty of what you’re saying is people simply did what was part of their daily life. They incorporated you into what they were doing and there was beautiful benefit that came out of that. How do you now as an only child then look at your childhood and say, okay, I had these mentors who stepped in, which was phenomenal. But there are also these other positions in a sense, if you will, these people who run adjacent to you as your peer and those people who are just a few years older, like Jackie, who you mentioned, who was a few years older but included you within her daily life, who were some of the people that came alongside to give you that more complete experience of community? Because if we’re only walking with mentors, there’s a lot to be said for having people who are peer to peer, who feel like the ones that we can really cling to. And of course we know that people, you know, we have best friends who are our age and have certain affinity groups that we all match because we certainly like certain things that are the same, that type deal. But what was it like trying to fulfill a broader sense of more of the age range that you would expect within a family where there are multiple kids or there are cousins or whatever going on? How did that work for you?

Shay [00:11:46] Well, for example, Jackie had a daughter when I was about maybe ten years old. I think I was around ten years old. Jackie had a daughter and that was my big sister. I mean, I became a big sister in a way. And so she gave me another role and in a way in terms of not just I was entrepreneurial because she paid me. And it was also a sense of responsibility in terms of peer to peer, there were opportunities for me to. I was invited into other homes because there were because I felt like even though I grew up in a situation where there wasn’t a lot of money, but I felt that I had a lot of privilege. And so there were mothers who wanted me to spend time with their kids because I had more books, I had more time, I had more, you know, of a lot of different things. And so they would invite me into their homes to in a way, to be a part of their families. Because they felt like that I would give their kids the opportunity to, you know, to have an exchange with someone again, outside of what their every day was. So it was challenging in a lot of ways too because I spent a lot of time alone. And although I grew up in this household where being kind, sharing, you know, and you’re a kid, sometimes you don’t want to share, but when you’re a kid, you know? Yeah, just, just making the truth. But I think they showed me the value in sharing and volunteering and giving of myself. I spent a lot of time going after church to nursing homes, you know, and that for a kid, that was really hard. Doesn’t smell nice. You know, sometimes it’s, you know, you get kind of bored. But, you know, it didn’t take really long for me. I don’t remember having that feeling very long because they were teaching me compassion. They were teaching me also that that was a cycle of life, that that would be me as well. So I was always had a sense of awareness that of generational responsibility, if you will. That they fed me as well, going to the going to the nursing homes, going to sit with the sick. It fed me. It really did. I listen to those wonderful stories and it made me a great storyteller, actually. I think listening to them tell stories, listening to them talk about their childhoods, giving me a different understanding of how my placement in the world. As I grew up and in my twenties, most of the big mamas passed away. And so I was in a unique position of having to then reap, you know, what is family? I have younger cousins who I was, you know, sort of I’m the matriarch now that we are seven cousins and most of my mother’s have passed away and I’m the matriarch of these cousins. But as I was growing up, I made a conscious effort to when I made friendships, that people understood that this wasn’t just a friendship. When I chose someone, that it was more than a friendship, that this was a person that I chose to be a part of my family because I again, lost a traditional sense of family. And so it was a little bit loaded sometimes in the beginning I had to really kind of adjust myself to, you know, putting too many expectations on my friends to be certain things because they, you know, they have more traditional families. But I think I really found a way early on to make clear that I was building a chosen family around me. And, you know, I became very selective, certainly. But I am much older now, you know, some decades away from being a child. But I have an amazing I call them my “love squad.” You know, recently I had a situation, a crisis, actually, and I was able to call on about ten, 12 people to come immediately to take care of this crisis, to really work with me, to be with me, to sit with me. And it was amazing. I felt like a billionaire. I felt so rich and love and rich and family and that I had chosen well from a very young age, chosen people to be a part of my life who I could count on and they could count on me and communicated that clearly. Because sometimes you just fall into a friendship and you just go along. But I really made intentional friendships and intentional chosen family.

Julie [00:16:54] So beautiful. You bring up something that I think is a deficit right now. I see a cross with a lot of families, whether that is because we’ve moved away from grandparents and we’re living in a different community, or maybe we’ve just gotten so polarized in a sense. I find sometimes in families that people tend to only hang out or have friendships with those who are in their exact stage of life with their socioeconomic status. With their experience and it becomes this really narrow bubble. And we confer that on our kids. We have children who really have no idea what it means to interact with different generations. We are sending them to school where in the classroom you can only be between the age of this and this. We don’t have a multi-age classroom. When we get to church, we’re doing the same thing. We separate all the kids out by age. We separate small groups out by here’s the young marrieds and here’s the marrieds with kids and years of this and years of that. And there’s it’s not wrong to find affinity with people who do seem to be in the same life stages. You there’s value to that. But we are missing a whole breadth of wisdom and joy and different ways of interacting and having a community that is much more full bodied and has far more reach and wisdom and input that we could be part of if we would drop some of these age containers around the way that right now a lot of our society works. Why do you think we’ve gotten in this rhythm of cutting out of our own lives, cutting out of our kids lives, those who have gone before, those who may be coming up behind? I always say that you should always be in a position where you’re being mentored by someone and you are mentoring someone. There’s always somebody ahead of you. There’s always somebody behind. And yet that seems really hard for us to practice as a culture. How did we get here?

Shay [00:18:45] I don’t know how we got here, Julie, but I think that we really need to be, the word is intentional. The word is intentional. Again, I am very intentional about my friendships and I am very open to and enjoy being around all kinds of people. A friend of mine she was in, she had a 80th birthday. She invited a table full of young people to her, to her party, and we’re all sitting around talking. It was great, all these young people. And so somebody said, “Oh my God, my mother should meet you. You are the coolest person.” And she said, “I don’t really want to be around a lot of old people.”

Julie [00:19:24] I love it. I love it.

Shay [00:19:26] She said, “You know, I like being around all kinds of people. I invited you all here because you’re vibrant. You make me feel alive. And you, you know, you bring something to the table that I need.” And so it wasn’t that she didn’t want to be around people her age, but she really intentionally put together a group of people who she felt fed her. And it was intentional. And I think that is something that I have been doing most of my life, looking for mentors. And now I’m a mentor to people come to me and I said, “I’ll tell you everything I know. You want to know about publishing? Come to me. I’m not too busy to spend an hour on Zoom or a lunch to have have a lunch with you to tell, you know, answer, answer any questions that you might have.” And sometimes I think I look for those kinds of opportunities because I feel like I am a teacher. That’s my purpose and my passion is teaching. And I’m not necessarily doing traditional teaching right now, but that’s part of what I would like my mission to be in life is to share knowledge, wisdom, information that I have with others, and also especially for young people. This is my opportunity in a way, with these but with my children’s books to offer up opportunities for young people, for children and their parents to have conversations that might be hard, that conversations that, you know, because during COVID especially, a lot of kids were scared that, you know, that their parents were going to, you know, that come home or that something would happen. And so our family prayer has been was, for me, a book about giving comfort like prayer as comfort, because it has comforted me so often over the years. And I wanted to offer that up to the community.

Julie [00:21:20] I love this new book of yours, A Family Prayer. And it absolutely speaks to what you’re saying right now, this place of being very intentional about who we bring into our lives and the role that they play in our lives and the role that we play in their lives, and also making sure that we express the gratitude for those people who’ve been welcomed in. Sometimes that place of gratitude, I think, can get tricky for people when they feel like, Man, I wanted my mom to be an amazing grandmother to my kids and she and I have a fractured relationship and she’s not going to be there. Or I wanted my kids to be able to run alongside their cousins. And yet that just doesn’t seem to be the relationship I have with my sibling. Or I wanted my kids to have kids like around them. They wanted to have siblings and God gave us one or gave us two kids, but they’re really far apart in age. That intentionality of not seeing the lack, but seeing the people out there who can absolutely walk alongside you as a sibling, as a child you love as all these different things. How did you come to this place since you said, you know, I was someone who was raised without a mom, without siblings? I think the beauty of your way of seeing family that I just love is it doesn’t come from this assumed place of a traditional structure and yet says family is still available whatever your structure looks like. How did that message begin to really pound into your heart that you wanted to make sure that parents and kids had a resource to be able to talk about the build of family and what that looks like?

Shay [00:22:51] Well, because I saw it in other families. I saw it amongst some of my friends who had children that they were, as you said, they were fractured from their families. They were countries apart, you know, thousands of miles apart from, you know, traditional family. And so when I saw some of these kids kind of on the edges, it’s like I wanted to offer up, as I said, this opportunity for communication. Because I felt like that was the missing piece, that parents were not really talking to their kids about certain things because they were afraid. They’re afraid that they would be that that conversation might get too open. But you cannot be afraid to talk about all the things like where the children are. Whether if they’re three there’s a certain kind of conversation. Where if they’re eight, there’s a different kind of conversation. But to really be intentional about talking to your children regularly so that they understand who you are, who they are, who they can be, and using all the resources that you have to do that. And I think because I love books and learning and words and stories, I think that that is a wonderful way to introduce children to all kinds of concepts. And so that has been my again my mission as writing children’s books now, because I feel like that’s, you know, starting early, opening the door to conversation about everything, being willing to talk about everything. Because if you don’t, there’s somebody else who will. And then if your child’s not ready, then, you know, if you haven’t prepared them for to have all these conversations, it could not go well. And you want them to be able to stand up for their values, stand up for who they are and the values that you want them to have.

Julie [00:24:49] Absolutely. One thing you bring up that I think is something that I got to be honest. I’m not sure that I really did a great job unpacking for my kids in a certain way. There were certain ways I think I did, certain ways I think I didn’t was not just the role others played to my children, but the role my children played to those family members. Whether chosen or by blood or that beautiful combination, when it’s both blood and chosen, right? And these are people you just genuinely like, even if you weren’t related to them, you would still want to be around them. And I think that opportunity for kids to understand what they mean in someone’s life and the responsibility of what that means is an opportunity we sometimes miss. And I know that we can miss it for some good reason. I mean, let’s face it, there’s a lot of conversation out there about parents who are very narcissistic and they look at their children as their children fulfilling something that’s a gap in their life instead of pouring into their child in a way that is about elevating that child and knowing how to put your needs aside or getting your needs met somewhere more appropriate. At the same time, I think we rob kids of understanding that relationships are symbiotic. And yes, it shouldn’t surprise us then when sometimes kids come out the other side of our family life and they just see themselves as a receiver and they struggle to know what it means to give. How do we talk to kids about their role as a grandchild, as a niece or a nephew, as our child, in a way that does not veer into some kind of narcissism? But still they are our child and that’s a unique relationship. As a sibling, as a cousin, all these things, what are ways that we can help children understand you have these relationships that bring life and beauty to you, but you also have the opportunity to bring that to someone else in the role that you’re in for them as part of their chosen family?

Shay [00:26:46] Yes, I think that one of the things that was useful for me, I was a very shy child and I hardly spoke. I was very shy, but I was encouraged, really kind of forced to have conversations with adults. And I think one of the one of the beautiful things that happened to me, I have a good friend. We met in Paris many years ago when we were very young. She had a son who, when he was in high school with him, was in junior high school instead of a paper, he wanted to write a novel. So she contacted me and I met with him every week for a year. And we talked about his novel. He wrote. I read. We talked, and we built a relationship that was separate from me and my friend. And she was, you know, and she was very protective mother, single mother, very protective. But she trusted me to be with her son, talking about very sensitive kinds of things. And, you know, we didn’t share any secrets or anything. But he and I had, you know, built a bond and a relationship that lasts to this day. And I think not necessarily forcing a relationship, but encouraging. Because we have so much technology now, if you have a family member in California and you’re in New York to set up maybe once a month zooms right with a friend or family member that you believe would be a good source for this child. Let’s say you’re not here. You’re not around. What’s you know, you want to build. You want a child to have relationships that will sustain them, right? Whether you’re here or not. We hope that we’re always here for our children and for our family members. But what if we’re not right? You want to build people into your life who will help your child move through their life from the time that they’re very small until into their adulthood and when they have kids.

Julie [00:28:44] I think you bring up a really powerful point. It makes me reflect on a friend that we lost tragically a few years ago. What was phenomenal and you talk about really understanding more of the legacy of her life once this happened. She had a son who was already out of the house and married and had two children, but she had a daughter who was in her last year, I believe, of high school at the time. And the women that came around her daughter, it was. And I tell you Shay, it was such a hard season and it was so inspirational to watch these women surround this girl. And they have continued to be there for her in such an incredible way. And to me, that stood as one of the deepest markers of this friend’s life, because there were all the things she had done and the accomplishments. And they were many. But it was watching the community she had built around her family and how they showed up. That blew me away. And, you know, sometimes I think we can think if we are part of a large extended family, if we have a large family ourselves. I know in my case, with the number of children I have, I’m sure there are those people who probably thought, oh, well, they’ve got the parenting thing locked down like they know how to do it. And I probably need to be looking for a kid who is in a different situation or may have a deficit of extended family in their life. And that’s completely valid. But I will tell you, the people who’ve sewn into my children’s life alongside me, not in opposition or anything, but those who come alongside and have been a listening ear, those relationships have remained. The other thing I’ve seen too, that I love is if you have kids who have a big age gap. My oldest daughter and her husband have coding class with my twins, who are 16 and a half years younger, and they have it every week. And to what you’re saying Shay, it’s so beautiful because they’ve forged their own relationship apart from just having lived in this house together. And that has incredible value to to begin to see people who yeah, we all got tossed in because of because of genetics and whatever. But to see the intention of actually choosing those relationships that are your blood relationships, but you’re still choosing it. That’s an incredible thing to watch happen as well. Well, Shay, I have loved this conversation. Tell the listener where they can find this particular children’s book that you have that I just love. It’s so beautiful. Where to find your other work and where to connect with you.

Shay [00:31:10] I’m at ShayYoungblood.com. I do a lot of different kinds of things. All my books are there, my performance pieces, my works are there. ShayYoungblood.com. A Family Prayer is my latest book. Mothers are a Blessing. Keep them safe and wells keep them safe from harm. And the whole family gets a beautiful prayer. And my first children’s book, Mama’s Home, is available. You know, it’s available everywhere. Online, indie bookstores, everywhere. And that little girl whose mother has to go to work and she gets to be with all her different big mommas seven days, the six days of the week until Mama comes home and she gets to go home to her own little bed and she wants to be all the things she can be. So my works are out there in the world. Julie, this has been wonderful. Thank you for the conversation. I appreciate being here and having this conversation with you. Thank you.

Julie [00:32:08] Oh, Shay so great to connect with you. So be sure and check out Shay Youngblood and all the things, all the great resources she has for you. I love to connect with you, too, on all the interwebs. I’m usually over at Instagram the most you can find me @JulieLylesCarr, and you can also find me at JulieLylesCarr.com. Big thanks to Rebecca. She puts out the show notes each and every week. She’ll have links for you and all the things to be able to find all of the different things we talked about in this conversation today. And be sure and check out AllMomDoes.com on both the interwebs and the socials. We love to interact with you there. And there you’ll find a community of moms just like you, who are raising kids and chasing the work and keeping the romance alive and also walking in their faith journey. I’ll see you next time on the AllMomDoes podcast.